terrible am i, child

i really do hate funerals.
the only good thing about them is that you see people you love.

San Jose Parish is the catholic church that ive been to for most of the funerals/weddings ive ever been to. My parents got married in it. They recently shut down the old building cause it was structurally unsound and built a new gigantic one. Thats a big thing i dont like about catholisism, or about the catholics i know; that they restrict God so much. They built this huge fancy new parish because it is God's house, it is where God lives. And then they act as if what they do outside of it doesnt matter, because God only lives in the church.
and you can't do anything- you cant chew gum or wear a hat or talk on the cell phone. I took off my shoes cause i was wearing heels, and they got mad at me.
i believe you can worship God in any condition, in any attitude, in any atmosphere. i can worship God while driving, while washing the car, while sitting on the toilet, while rolling in mud.

anyway.

Probably the worst moment of the day was when i had to watch leon carry the ashes down the aisle and place them on the alter. There was a high window built into the wall with the statue of jesus on a cross, and the sunlight filtered down in a perfect square onto the path he took. When i walked by later, i saw that his tears had mixed with the holy water they sprinkled on the box that held the ashes. I saw such hurt and pain in his strong face that i knew i had to turn away or my face would become a mirror image.

We buried grandpa in the cemetery that holds his brother, daughter, and son. i hate crying in public. I had a struggle with myself as i placed a flower on the small box of ashes. Had to turn away to the street.
Sharon came and hugged me from behind so that i didn't know it was her. She whispered in my ear.
"its ok to cry."

so i did.


they made me go to school again, but it was closed. its amazing how sometimes God knows exactly what you need on certain days, isn't it?
drove from there to grandmas house and it was full to the brim. Talked to Bryan; he said i was his favorite cousin, which was nice. He's a sweet guy.
i do miss Richard so so much.
Talked to Jake, AJ, Bryan, and Marcus for a while; we have so many inside jokes going on and its always a good time. Then we all played hide-and-go-seek with the younger kids, and as i was in my favorite hiding spot behind the adobe house, pressing up against it and smelling the dirt, i couldnt help thinking that maybe i had traveled back in time.
so happy i got to spend time with some of my favorite people, no matter the circumstances.



Music:
Sun Giant- Fleet Foxes

what a life i lead in the summer.
what a life i lead in the spring.
what a life i lead in the winded breeze;
what a life i lead in the spring.
what a life i lead when the sun breaks free
as a giant torn from the clouds.
what a life indeed when that ancient seed
is a berry watered and plowed.