at the end of the road, you'll find what you've been longing for

this may not make much sense.
tired. headache.

This has been such a long week, and its only tuesday. I keep thinking about last saturday, that was such a good day.

three stressful things:
1) family in town. that kind of family.
2) things are inconvenient. lots of homework and no transportation.
3) grandpa died this morning/ last night sometime.

I have gotten hardly any sleep, staying up late and getting up early all the time. This morning mom woke me up at 5 and told me to get dressed, because grandpa had died.
it was really awkward having the body in the house, if only for a few hours. I've been to a lot of funerals and never used to get bothered by the bodies, until i saw my cousins dead baby. They say they look like they're just sleeping, but they don't. i dont know how anyone can say that.
It was so sad at first. People came for the body and the little kids were asking what was up. the family from out of town showed up, but they were too late. Some of my cousins were asking me where Richard was, i guess since we always used to hang out. I told them i didn't know, truth enough i guess.
cant help thinking he should have been here.

Even though it was inconvenient, i had to go to school. They dropped me off 30 minutes early, so i went into a study area and fell asleep. This one lady from my class woke me up, so i wasn't super late. I was kind of mad at her though.

Went to Danielle's house after that, she had surgery to get the growth removed so i made her a milkshake. Josh came by for a while. After he left we both fell asleep, it was nice.

Afterwards i went back to grandmas house. so weird it being just grandma.
We sat around and talked. Jake, my cousin from nevada, is in a band and sooo vain. He kept going on an on about how good he is and stuff, and i couldn't help smiling inwardly because Josh is better than he is.
(i was thinking about this earlier. the people who are truly good at what they do are the ones who won't admit it)
Anyway, turns out the family is not staying with us. I get to sleep in a bed, thank you Jesus.

i was remembering a conversation i had with someone how sometimes you're like, God why are you doing this to me? and then a long time, maybe years, later you're like, wow now i understand.
Like danielle. She had that growth in her mouth for 2 years, but she just happened to get it out today. i wouldn't have visited her if she hadn't have had surgery, and i think i would have exploded if i didnt go over there today. So i think God made her have this surgery today, for me. partly anyway, im sure of it.
And this weekend was so perfect for josh to ask me to be his girlfriend. its a good kind of distracting and gives me something else to think about.
My God is so big.

ive not been home for a while to do anything other than sleep. never realized how much homework i have to do till i have no time to do it.



music:
to whom it may concern- underoath
just like we do- eisley
in an aeroplane over the sea- neutral milk hotel