like a cloud

i woke up with the sun.

GED today. the first part, at least.
we walked in a single file line, no talking, put your belongings in the left corner of the room, go to your assigned seat- that sort of thing. English up first; i never worry much about english because it comes naturally to me. The man behind the table told us that statistically, only 55% of people pass the GED. how sad. the lady behind the other desk tried to cover it up with, "But im sure you'll all do great..."
uh-huh.

it was pretty easy though. Also we had to write an essay. It was really weird writing about "my favorite game" after taking english and writing a bunch of essays on much deeper topics this semester. I think God was laughing at me again.
after english came math. we had to watch a video about how to work a calculator, and another one about how to fill in a scantron. Seriously? What a waste of 20 minutes.

we got a peice of scrap paper to work out problems on. The lady said we could do whatever we wanted with it, "write a love note to your 'honey', i dont care."
thought that was funny.
anyway, im not worried about the results.

i just got back from a really long bike ride. its impossible to stay inside on a day like today.
rode to the park and lay in the grass for awhile. there were little kids playing t-ball and baseball in the feild next to me, people throwing frisbees for their dogs, teenagers walking hand in hand, women running on the trail so that they can squeeze into bikinis sometime this summer. i made a ladybug friend. she traveled slowly down my arm onto a blade of grass, climbed to the end of it, up the tip of my finger, spread her wings and drifted away. made me wish i could fly too, or that i was a speck and could fit on her back.
i love the way clouds move in the sky. Theyre so determined to get somewhere, but in no particular hurry.

I got bored so i picked up and went places ive never been on my bike before. there were busy streets and the cars kicked up little peices of cotton that flew up my nose. i think im the only one who notices my tan.
its there. you just gotta look closely.

i love that feeling you get after coming home from a bike ride, where you feel like you could fall over but you just feel really really good.

i know God wants me to be happy.
i am, very.

i dont remember being this happy in a long, long time.



=====================================================================================
music-
shut up and let me go- ting tings
paper wings- rise against
silver bugs- eisley

the face of gratified desire

can you believe i havent written a blog in an entire week? crazy.

its been busy, just studying for the two finals i took today. Physics was a killer, but im thinking it went ok. Although i never know what to expect, since i honestly have no idea what im doing when it comes to physics. i totally BSed my way through that one, no kidding.

For english i had no idea what to expect. We had to write an essay over the test period, and she didnt give us any clues as to what it would be on, other than one of the readings we went over this semester. we went through a lot. actually, that was my favorite class this semester. the professor was hard and gave a lot of homework, but it was fun as well as homework goes.
seriously, a class where you read stories and then discuss them? sign me up, especially before math or science or math disguised as science... coughphysicscough.
(i just realized you should definitely not read this next part if you are in my english class)
anyway, i had just read one of the required readings for the first time last night even though it was assigned like last month sometime. http://www.eecs.harvard.edu/~keith/poems/English_B.html
Theme for English B by Langston Hughes. i really loved it and didnt think much of it, but when i sat down for the test and was reading the essay question choices, i noticed that there was one for this poem. it was something like this- why does the speaker question the statement, "and let that page come out of you, then it will be true"? do you think writing requires more than it coming out of you? if so, what?
i'd love to hear your ideas to see how they compare to mine.

after everything was done, i randomly thought, hey- no more physics. ever.
just makes me very happy, thats all.

went to church with josh on saturday. i love spending time with that guy. i see God so much when i do.
i love the fact that every aspect of our relationship comes from God.
went on a bike ride today and met josh at the park. we sat and swang on the swings and i never ever wanted to come home. but here i am.

nother graduation on saturday. we've been busy with that- making a science fair panel board thing with some of my stuff on it, and a scrapbook with so so many memories, and ordering a cheesecake and stuff. i really wanted a peice of that cheesecake today.
im looking forward to this graduation. it'll be a lot smaller and more personal, and there will be so many people that i love there. afterwards i will be whisked away in josh's wing'ed The Chariot.
oh oh i cannot wait to see what my suprise is!
i love suprises.

there will be lots more time for making stuff now :)
overall, i'd say its been a good semester. especially the past month- that has been incredible in a sometimes strange way. i mean, there were good moments and bad moments, but the bad moments were just as incredible as the good ones, only in a different way.
I dont know why it happened now, but im not questioning it. God has the most absolute perfect timing; ive really experienced that this month.

im thinking im the happiest ive been in a long, long time.


gkahle (music in german)-
be kind- eisley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhrRJXyAwJA&feature=related
brownish spider- mewithoutyou
happiness is a warm gun- the beatles

we have the facts, and we're voting "yes"

can't wait till school is over. there are only about two more weeks of cnm classes, and i take my GED on the 28th and 29th, but after that i'll be basically done. thankfully.

there is so much i want to do over the summer. i am going to make a million different things. i want to make these vases that are made out of strips of magazines.
lately ive been seeing them everywhere as if they're like, nyah nyah you didn't make me, somebody else did.

i want to make thousands of earrings.
im going to break out the sewing machine i know we have around here somewhere and learn how to use it. im going to buy a big bag of mismatched buttons that i know they have at hobby lobby rip it open and examine every one.
im going to think up new ideas for t-shirts and im going to make pinatas.
i want to make belts out of seatbelts, you know with the buckle as the safety clip thing.
there is one wall of my room thats pretty bare, and ive been wanting to do something about it for whats seemed like a long long time. im going to hang beads or felt or cover it with peices of paper or fans or something.

soon.

also, i need a job.

im generally just looking forward to the freedom of summer. it'll be busy, but in a different, much better way.

(lately procrastination has been a really big problem for me. its because its so hard for me to do things that don't interest me, namely physics. i dont see the point at all, so i just don't do it. not a good thing, but i always feel that when im studying it all just goes in one ear, slips around my brain, and comes out the other and i just wasted that much time)

at least graduation went well. at first i wasn't terribly excited about it, got there and couldn't find the chair with my name on it so i felt retarded. i was hoping i would be able to sit next to someone i knew, but i wasn't. the people i sat next to were nice though.
they told us we couldn't throw our caps up in the air, can you believe it? the one thing i really wanted to do. well, we did it anyway. after all, you only graduate twice.

what made me the most happy was the people that came. my aunt and uncle came all the way from florida, laura is very busy but she came, josh wanted to come which means so much, and other family came, especially bryan, leon, jenny, and waldo. they brought me flowers.
they met us outside after the ceremony. everyone was shivering, but for some reason i wasn't cold. Surrounded by people i love, i looked up and saw that a little snow was softly falling and i could see it perfectly against the glow of a streetlight. so pretty.
afterwards we went to flying star and i had some of their amazing macaroni and cheese. it reminded me of that one commercial where the snowman comes into the house and a lady feeds it campbells soup, and it melts and turns out its actually a little kid. thats how i felt- it was cold and rainy outside, but inside there was warmth, food, laughter, and people that are very, very special to me, and it melted away everything that was pulling me down, making me cold, so that there was just me.

i went to the zoo with josh on saturday. there were a lot of baby animals, and it was fine just walking around. ate lunch at roosevelt park and that was so much more amazing because it was so relaxed and carefree. the grass was super green and soft from all the rain the day before, and we lay on it for a long long time. i kind of felt like one of those reptiles at petsmart that just lay on a rock and let the warmth from one of those heat lamps soak into their scaly skin.
then we got up and had a waterfight.
my jacket was soaked so i wore josh's, and it smelled really, really good.
after church we went and met danielle at satellite, which is one of my new favorite places. josh bit me. i couldnt believe it. i was putting my hair into a ponytail later and noticed there was a giant bruise on my arm from it. kind of reminds me of this song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg3Rc0PPri4&feature=PlayList&p=BEC040A07DF4272A&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=29 .

as we drove home that night, the skies were clear and i looked out the window up into the sky and saw all the stars shining and looking down at me and josh sitting there, and i just know God put them there special, for me.
because He wants me to be happy.
and so i am.

today is monday, but tomorrow will be tuesday and the day after that is wednesday, and next comes thursday, which is practically friday.
cant wait.



music-
paradigm, all together separate (we should do this one for worship at church sometime)
the words best friend become redefined- chiodos
love is a fast song- copeland

narrow stairs

Grandpa (from florida) called this morning. it woke me up.
its weird- everyone is making a big deal out of my graduation. i dont wanna say its not a big deal, because it is in a way. i guess i just feel indifferent.

i am getting a little excited though, because very special people will be there to see it happen.

and i'll probably see someone ive not seen in a while, which is always nice.


i was thinking back over the last 4 years. high school started out really terrible for me. I had one friend, because the kids at the church i was going to wouldn't talk to me and i wouldnt talk to them.
we moved to sagebrush in the middle of my freshman year. i remember the first youth service i went to- there were 3 kids. i just remember thinking that i didn't like church anymore. and i was grateful that God had died for my sins, but i didn't love Him. kept going to church though.
started learning to make friends. re-dedicated my life to Christ junior year, just because i realized that God loved me, God agape'd me. i guess i knew it before, but i didnt really believe it and i hadn't really experienced it.
anyway, that was probably my best moment of high school.
i actually dont/didnt like high school much at all. im glad its going to be over soon.

know what im looking forward to? throwing my cap up in the air. ive always wanted to do that.

i remember being 7, thinking that 18 was so old. thought it would take forever to get here, and now here i am. graduating.
weird.



Music:
all it takes for your dreams to come true- a skylit drive
falling in love at a coffee shop- landon pigg

rainy/cloudy days like this, i like to listen to
transatlanticism- death cab for cutie

little houses

woke up bright and early today to go to Rachels. just another wednesday, though today that class actually ended early.

so i went to josh's house. he says he makes the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the world, and not far off. he made cookies too, how much better could it get?
God knows exactly what i need when i need it.
speaking of which, class was canceled again. life is good.

the other day mom asked me if my boyfriend was at the funeral, and i told her no. i dont think i even told josh when the funeral was.
Apparently someone in the family came up to her and told her my boyfriend was there, how they would know i have no earthly idea. they dont know what he looks like or anything. mom wouldnt tell me who it was. i just laughed it off then, but today i talked to bryan and he said someone told him that my boyfriend was at the funeral and i was kind of annoyed that whoever it is was making assumptions about nothing. everyone in the family is such a gossip.
then mom told me that whoever it is was saying that i was taking a step in the wrong direction by having a boyfriend, and that soon i will end up like all of them- unmarried with children.
i am so tired of it, so annoyed. I cant think of anyone at the funeral they could have thought was my boyfriend, and anyway it is not a step in the wrong direction to date. ive been praying for this for a long long time, ive been through pain and indifference, and i strongly believe that this is right. this is from God.
time with josh is pure and sweet. the only thing i can compare it to is holding a baby. you might think thats weird if youve never held one, but when you do you'll see what i mean.
relationships like ours arent meant to be handled so roughly as those of my family.
i dont know what else to say about it. im just super irritated at this person.
maybe its a good thing i dont know who it is.

my aunt and uncle are in town, the ones that live in florida and go deep sea fishing. Uncle Larry has dark, leathery skin and looks like he'd be at home looking out over the waves.
they brought us some fish that was caught on sunday.
they came out for my graduation on friday. whooo.

(maybe i should start sleeping more than 5 hours a night.)

ive been getting checks in the mail, for my graduation.
im thinking car.

went to hobby lobby today and got a new bandanna.
little things like that make me really happy, dont know why.
ive just been seeing God in the little things lately. He is in every little thing.
at awana they asked the question, how is your life different after becoming a christian? and thats what i said, that now i see Him everywhere, in everything. Its so much easier to get through the hard things, like grandpa dying and richard being sent away and people talking about me behind my back. i even see God even in those things, and i know they came from him. i dont know why, but its easy to trust God anyway.
i saw God when i got my bandanna, when i bought suckers, when i ate a cookie, when josh hugged me, when class was cancelled, when i listened to eisley as i drove.
i love where i am right now.


Music:
i got a brand new pair of roller skates (you got a brand new key)
what this means to me- i see stars
every new day- five iron frenzy.

man verses himself
man verses machine
man verses the world
mankind verses me
the struggles go on
the wisdom i lack
the burdens keep piling
up on my back
so hard to breathe
to take the next step
the mountain is high
i wait in the depths
yearning for grace
and hoping for peace
dear God, increase.

terrible am i, child

i really do hate funerals.
the only good thing about them is that you see people you love.

San Jose Parish is the catholic church that ive been to for most of the funerals/weddings ive ever been to. My parents got married in it. They recently shut down the old building cause it was structurally unsound and built a new gigantic one. Thats a big thing i dont like about catholisism, or about the catholics i know; that they restrict God so much. They built this huge fancy new parish because it is God's house, it is where God lives. And then they act as if what they do outside of it doesnt matter, because God only lives in the church.
and you can't do anything- you cant chew gum or wear a hat or talk on the cell phone. I took off my shoes cause i was wearing heels, and they got mad at me.
i believe you can worship God in any condition, in any attitude, in any atmosphere. i can worship God while driving, while washing the car, while sitting on the toilet, while rolling in mud.

anyway.

Probably the worst moment of the day was when i had to watch leon carry the ashes down the aisle and place them on the alter. There was a high window built into the wall with the statue of jesus on a cross, and the sunlight filtered down in a perfect square onto the path he took. When i walked by later, i saw that his tears had mixed with the holy water they sprinkled on the box that held the ashes. I saw such hurt and pain in his strong face that i knew i had to turn away or my face would become a mirror image.

We buried grandpa in the cemetery that holds his brother, daughter, and son. i hate crying in public. I had a struggle with myself as i placed a flower on the small box of ashes. Had to turn away to the street.
Sharon came and hugged me from behind so that i didn't know it was her. She whispered in my ear.
"its ok to cry."

so i did.


they made me go to school again, but it was closed. its amazing how sometimes God knows exactly what you need on certain days, isn't it?
drove from there to grandmas house and it was full to the brim. Talked to Bryan; he said i was his favorite cousin, which was nice. He's a sweet guy.
i do miss Richard so so much.
Talked to Jake, AJ, Bryan, and Marcus for a while; we have so many inside jokes going on and its always a good time. Then we all played hide-and-go-seek with the younger kids, and as i was in my favorite hiding spot behind the adobe house, pressing up against it and smelling the dirt, i couldnt help thinking that maybe i had traveled back in time.
so happy i got to spend time with some of my favorite people, no matter the circumstances.



Music:
Sun Giant- Fleet Foxes

what a life i lead in the summer.
what a life i lead in the spring.
what a life i lead in the winded breeze;
what a life i lead in the spring.
what a life i lead when the sun breaks free
as a giant torn from the clouds.
what a life indeed when that ancient seed
is a berry watered and plowed.

steadier footing

I was thinking about last easter today. I was a little disappointed because not too many people showed up to celebrate at my grandparent's house like in past years, but richard bryan and leon were there so it was fine.

i found this picture today:

I remember. Richard had stolen my camera and was taking a million pictures of everyone while they were unaware. I didn't realize he was taking this of me, actually i was listening to a really funny story Leon was telling me, and richard just started laughing like crazy because of the expression on my face. It was a happy moment.
(i miss that kid.)
i remember my grandparents had just painted their entire kitchen/hallway bright orange. Grandpa used to love bright warm colors like yellow and orange and red.

This year almost everyone showed up. We were supposed to be celebrating easter, but really it was more of a preparation for the funeral tomorrow. Relatives i hardly ever see showed up, and i was continuously getting up and hugging and saying, "Hi, im Amanda, Bernadettes daughter."

I got to hide the eggs this year, with bryan and melissa. It was more fun than i thought it would be; being thoughtful and creative with the hiding places and then sitting on the porch and watching their faces as they search and discover. I used to love finding those plastic eggs plastered with stickers and filled with m&ms or jelly beans.
i think some eggs won't be found until July sometime.

Yesterday was really amazing, another treasure from God. I wish i could live it over again. Gotta get up at 5 tomorrow. Just as well, I've been waking up around 4:30 every morning anyway, involuntarily. wonder if it'll stop after the funeral?

i feel special and victorious today, because Jesus died for me and then conquered the grave.

i was a kaliedoscope

mom is in charge of the collage.
its a gigantic poster board with a bunch of pictures of our family on it. I keep looking at it; there are so many happy memories involved. some of the best moments of my childhood were definitely with my extended family.

yesterday was incredible. dad made strawberry pancakes and then everyone left. i love having the house to myself. spent the morning cutting up peices of cloth because im making a shirt much like this one :
im pretty excited about it.
went to a meeting for our graduation. i dont think i even had to be there, but im glad i went anyway. it was fun. everything seems to be coming along fine; i am so much more excited about this graduation than i am about the one next week. the kids in it are hilarious and amazing, so we'll see what happens.

i went on a date yesterday. we went to the park to fly kite(s). my shoulders are a little sunburned, the first step toward a tan. then we went and got pizza and to roosevelt park after that.
roosevelt park is my favorite. its hilly and green for albuquerque, with lots of trees. we lay on a hill staring up and the cloudy sky and tree branches bending in the wind. there were little round seed things coming from the trees, and when a strong breeze blew through there were millions and millions of them in the air floating like golden snow. we tried to catch them when they floated toward us, and blew them in each others faces and sprinkled them in each others hair.
(yeah, in case you didnt know, josh smells really incredibly good)

happy wouldn't be the right word to describe it. more like content.
i love how we can do anything and it will be an adventure. we never have set ideas of what to do, we just make it up as we go on and end up having an incredibly good time.

tomorrow is easter. im excited to celebrate the glorious ressurection of my savior.

http://www.orangegoldandgreen.net/audio.html


Musica:
your protector- fleet foxes
silver bugs- eisley
i was a kaleidoscope- death cab for cutie
technicolor girls- ''

at the end of the road, you'll find what you've been longing for

this may not make much sense.
tired. headache.

This has been such a long week, and its only tuesday. I keep thinking about last saturday, that was such a good day.

three stressful things:
1) family in town. that kind of family.
2) things are inconvenient. lots of homework and no transportation.
3) grandpa died this morning/ last night sometime.

I have gotten hardly any sleep, staying up late and getting up early all the time. This morning mom woke me up at 5 and told me to get dressed, because grandpa had died.
it was really awkward having the body in the house, if only for a few hours. I've been to a lot of funerals and never used to get bothered by the bodies, until i saw my cousins dead baby. They say they look like they're just sleeping, but they don't. i dont know how anyone can say that.
It was so sad at first. People came for the body and the little kids were asking what was up. the family from out of town showed up, but they were too late. Some of my cousins were asking me where Richard was, i guess since we always used to hang out. I told them i didn't know, truth enough i guess.
cant help thinking he should have been here.

Even though it was inconvenient, i had to go to school. They dropped me off 30 minutes early, so i went into a study area and fell asleep. This one lady from my class woke me up, so i wasn't super late. I was kind of mad at her though.

Went to Danielle's house after that, she had surgery to get the growth removed so i made her a milkshake. Josh came by for a while. After he left we both fell asleep, it was nice.

Afterwards i went back to grandmas house. so weird it being just grandma.
We sat around and talked. Jake, my cousin from nevada, is in a band and sooo vain. He kept going on an on about how good he is and stuff, and i couldn't help smiling inwardly because Josh is better than he is.
(i was thinking about this earlier. the people who are truly good at what they do are the ones who won't admit it)
Anyway, turns out the family is not staying with us. I get to sleep in a bed, thank you Jesus.

i was remembering a conversation i had with someone how sometimes you're like, God why are you doing this to me? and then a long time, maybe years, later you're like, wow now i understand.
Like danielle. She had that growth in her mouth for 2 years, but she just happened to get it out today. i wouldn't have visited her if she hadn't have had surgery, and i think i would have exploded if i didnt go over there today. So i think God made her have this surgery today, for me. partly anyway, im sure of it.
And this weekend was so perfect for josh to ask me to be his girlfriend. its a good kind of distracting and gives me something else to think about.
My God is so big.

ive not been home for a while to do anything other than sleep. never realized how much homework i have to do till i have no time to do it.



music:
to whom it may concern- underoath
just like we do- eisley
in an aeroplane over the sea- neutral milk hotel

there will be time to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet

going to the grandparent's house again today.
im a little scared. When grandpa woke up yesterday, he didn't recognize my grandma or know who anyone was. so he probably won't know who i am.

my favorite cousin, richard, is gone. They sent him away. Apparently he did something really bad at school.
They wouldn't tell me what he did, and they wouldn't tell me where they took him.
i really cant explain how i feel right now, shocked i guess. mom says ill never see him again and it tears me apart.
its like everyone wants to pretend he was never here, but i can't ignore the fact that i grew up with this kid. some of my best family memories had him in them, and now im supposed to forget?
no way.

More of my family is coming into town on wednesday. 6 people; its gonna be a full house. To tell the truth, i dont really like them that much. They can be so rude and im just like, you could at least be decent since we're letting you stay at our house.
i think ill have the downstairs room this time though. hopefully.
i havent been sleeping or eating much. its weird.


yesterday was really amazing. my boyfriend picked me up for breakfast and then we met up with the others and had gihad wars (flour wars) on the mesa.
it was nice to have a day to just relax and have a good time. just what i needed :)
thank you, God.



Music:
baby, you wouldnt last a minute on the creek- chiodos
head against the sky- eisley
say it aint so- weezer

things we said today

My grandpa used to be so strong and handsome.
i remember. We would go over every sunday since i was really little, and he would always be doing stuff like painting or hauling, but he wasn't ever too much 'man' to help my grandma with the laundry.

you know that song by death cab for cutie, 'what sarah said'? ive been thinking about it a lot. i visit grandpa at least three times a week. theres not much time left. he can't even hold a cup of water anymore without dropping it, and i can tell hes exasperated with himself.
i was sure he would fall on his way to the kitchen yesterday. he has a walker, but it's not going to be of much use anymore.
they say that someone who is dying holds onto life until all of their family is there. My aunt lives in nevada, and shes coming into town in a week or two. it makes me wonder.

in the end of that song, they say, ' love is watching someone die'.
i can't decide whether or not its true.

Yesterday i gave my presentation for english. I pretended to be J A Prufrocks therapist, and had glasses and a clipboard and everything. It went pretty well i guess. I wont really know until next week.

i had this dream last night where i ate a million french fries. I am so sick of french fries right now, and i didn't even eat any.

this week has been incredibly long.


Music:
the beatles