i am a skeleton in a tiny, fragile skin

ive watched four movies today. and seven already this week.

today i saw Elf, and then Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and then after taking a break i saw Four Christmases and White Christmas. Guess i got my christmas movie fix today. i love watching christmas movies at christmas.

Saturday i made josh watch Pride and Prejudice with me, and sunday i saw The Bank Job with him. Yesterday i watched Night at the Museum 2 right before i went to work.

its kind of nice to rot your brain with unhealthy amounts of tv sometimes. especially after hours and hours of studying for finals, which rots your brain in a different way i suppose.

Last week was incredibly stressful. i thought something was wrong with me emotionally when i would suddenly start crying for no reason, but then when i was washing my hair in the shower and my hands came away from my head with clumps of hair tangled in my fingers i knew i was just stressed. Didnt get much sleep either, until it was all over. And then the next day i got a cold. but i kept going out and i kept going to work and now my voice is almost lost and i sound like a smoker.

i hate the feeling that i am completely fine inside my mind and it is just my body that is inadequate, that i would be fine if i didnt have to carry this flesh around with me. it makes me feel fragile, and i dont like feeling fragile.

but at least i am sound in my mind again.

and today i can breathe through my nose.

always a good thing.

also i would take this over a school day, any day.

break so far has been sleeping late (though 9 is the best i can do so far), watching movies, reading books, and making paper cranes. i mustve made 100 cranes today. it was nice.

josh is in denver with john and luke to have fun times before school starts and things get crazy again. i guess its a man trip, or whatever.

i am reading The Time Travelers Wife.

ill let you know what i think when its done.

tomorrow i get to hang out with laura, which is exciting since i havent seen her in forever. also i am getting sick of staying home (which i'd rather not do anyway), and i think im beginning to know what elizabeth bennet meant when she said that since jane was in london and charlotte was married and mr. wickam was away life was "rather gray."

but i like to hear joshs crazy stories about all that theyre doing in denver, because they make me feel much, much better.

...also i understand kimya dawson when she wrote "im a pretty impossible lady to be with."

you know?

one of danielles cats wasnt there when i went to feed them this evening. but apparently this happens semi-frequently (says danielle) so i shouldnt freak out.

also...

this sounds cliche, but

i miss my boyfriend.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i took the poloroid down to my room

im pretty sure you have a new girlfriend

its not as if i dont like you

it just makes me sad whenever i see it.

cause i like to be gone most of the time,

and you like to be home most of the time.

if i stay in one place, i lose my mind

im a pretty impossible lady to be with.

hands in the air, and love at our sides

josh called me this morning to say he got me a christmas present. apparently it needs to be "assembled". now i have all these ideas in my head of what it might look like and what it could be.

i am insanely curious, to say the least.

i seriously think i have ADD. when im studying, my mind randomly falls asleep and dreams about other things, like whether or not that was a text i just got, or how many chocolates i have not eaten in my advent calendar and how many i can eat today, or christmas presents with some assembly required. 3-5 minutes after that i snap awake and finish reading whatever it is i was reading, but i can't remember what that was and then i don't remember what paragraph i was on, and what subject am i studying again anyway??

and i think thats the reason why i do not like school: it can't hold my attention long enough for me to absorb the material unless i spend huge amounts of time on it. And the prospect of spending huge amounts of time on it is daunting, so i put it off over and over until i am forced to do it eventually (usually... ok, almost always.. at the last minute) and am stuck doing work that requires more time than i have to spend on it, which makes me so stressed that i get stomachaches and headaches and cry randomly for no reason, and wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how much stuff there is to be done.

I have an Astronomy test tomorrow morning at 7:30 am, which means i need to catch the bus at 6:30 am. nuff said.

also tomorrow i have to take an online Philosophy exam, and re-take two philosophy exams. Thankfully after that philosophy and astronomy will be completely finished. those are the classes i have A's and B's in.

My Econ final is on thursday, but i have a C+ in that class and the final can only improve my grade since one exam grade gets dropped. So im not going to worry about that final since i will pass the class anyway. Studying didn't help for either of the first two exams, so why would it help for the final? im going to spend that time studying for my sociology final.

the soc final is on friday. i got an email from my professor today saying it is not cumulative, which is pretty much a gift from God. now there is hope that i can pass that class and thus keep my scholarship. i need to get a B on this test to pass, which will be a true challenge.

i really hope i can do it.

i cut my thumb open at work yesterday holding a knife. i wasn't even cutting anything, i was just turning it over and over in my hands and didn't realize how sharp it was. also i realized that we have a big first aid kit box in the back of the store, but the only thing in it are bandaids. haha.

at least thats what i needed.

i was looking at some pictures from summer. i really miss warmer weather.

____________________________________________________________________

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;	25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

in everywhere we meet, in everywhere we look

sometimes it doesn't take much to make me happy again.

this morning i was going through things im thankful for. (a habit that never left at thanksgiving, i guess).

and that led to thinking about some of the best memories ive had, and remembering the times they come from.

i like to think particularly about that time Danielle had the girls small group to spend the night over at her house. We made cookies and drank jones soda, and sang songs for an hour. i felt God so strongly...

Danielle went to bed because she had to be up early for work the next day, but the rest of the girls stayed up till 5 am taking pictures and singing and laughing, and we built a fort underneath the table and slept there. it was one of the happiest times of my life.

i like to think back to a couple years ago when it snowed a foot here, and everything was cancelled and i was sad that i had to stay home (which i hate doing), but at night i went on a walk with my dad and my brother, and the air was so still, the cold was so crisp and fresh. We made footprints through snow that no one had walked through yet. (i just love the idea of that, dont you? That no one had touched the exact spot in the snow you have touched; no one had felt the coolness of the bunch of snowflakes that you are feeling, and then that moment you had is locked in a mark in the snow, and anyone who sees it next will know that you were there first.) we ran and threw snowballs and laughed and laughed and laughed- it was the only sound you could hear. then we went home and all got warm. that was happy.

or that time at marissa's birthday party that there were 6 or 7 or 8 people on the trampoline, and we had a giant trampoline mosh pit, and we laughed and kicked and pulled, and i got a bruise on my cheek because luke sat on my face. that night i felt like i smiled for hours and hours and then went to bed smiling and smiled through my dreams and woke up smiling again.

i like to think about times like this.

this

this

and this.

sometimes...

it doesnt take so much to get me happy again.

thank you, God.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_____________________________________________________________________________________

in everywhere we look,

in everywhere we look,

in everywhere we look;

its all crazy, its all false,

its all a dream,

its alright everywhere we look.

this is me

this is who i am-

i never have a whole bad day, things just hit me at the end of the night.

tonight was one of those nights.

i alternately love and hate my job. i love talking to people about their day, and i love when people tell me exactly how it went when i ask them. i love closing a particularly large sandwich; its satisfying to me. i hate people at my job who tell me i am going to get fired and that i am not doing a good enough job. sometimes i can't stand the drama in the workplace, and how people will get mad at you if you tell them you can't cover your shift. i dont like when the owner fires people that were my friends.

i love getting presents for people. i love seeing something (homemade or not) and thinking of a particular person the moment i see it, and getting it for that person, because they will really be able to appreciate it and love it. It makes me excited. When i find something for someone like that, i can't wait to give it to them. Sometimes i don't. i just do it.

i like when people are real and love me for who i am. i love my true friends. i like talking to them because i know that they won't judge me, especially since there is so much in my life to judge. those are the people that know me and love me anyway. they are the kind of people that remind me of that Bible verse that says that a man with no lasting friends has no one to pick him up when he falls down, but a man with lasting friends will have a helping hand when he's down.

i want to be that kind of friend too.

im thankful for josh. i like that i have a boyfriend who will let me have a bad night if i need to, or can't help but to. i like that i have someone like him who will not only let me know how to fix my problems, but will also help me through them. i like/dislike that he's become so much closer to my than my own family; he's become more family to me than my own parents. it makes me sad that things have become this way between me and them, but i guess if you can have the most amazing guy in the world in your life, you don't need much else.

we are like a puzzle.

i love to laugh.

i hate going to school.

i am sad that my parents and i have the relationship we do.

sometimes i wish that i would never have to come home sometimes.

i am buying things to decorate my future house/apartment with.

when i retire i want to own a shop that sells buttons and ribbons and strings and cloth, and nothing will be organized except by the categories mentioned in this sentence. people will get bags in the store and there will be a scale and they can put whatever they want into the bag and however much it weighs will determine the price it is.

i wish i didnt have to wait until i retire.

i love playful cats, and i love dogs that will lay their head on your hand when youre upset.

i love sleeping under lots and lots of blankets in the wintertime.

at night when i should be in bed, i really feel like sleeping and i really feel like staying up. and i never know which to go with, so i usually end up waiting until i cant possibly keep my eyes open any longer, and then it is pretty late but i always wake up pretty early.

and i think that if i didnt have as many problems as i do, i would close my eyes and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.

someday, that is what i am going to do.

i am ok with who i am.

and if you are arent... im ok with that too.

and that is me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------______________________________________________________________________________------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The work-a-days were propping the bar quietly erasing the week
and I was in a corner booth thinking (pretending to read)
about the impossibility of one to love unconditionally
and the words that we drive into the ground:
their repetition starts to thin their meaning.
Then everything got frighteningly still as they entered and intersected the floor
and I tried to choke my stare at perfection that others would kill for.
But all of the parts are the same on every face -- few variables change.
The differences pale when compared to the similarities they share.
Finally there is clarity and there is purpose after all.
But every night ends the same as I'm collapsing once more by your side.
Finally there is clarity: this tiny life is making sense
and every drop numbs the both of us, but I alone am staggering.

the world forgetting, the world forgot.

i watched Up today. I had to; everyone said it was so good.
they were right.
it was an emotional movie, really. Not really sad and happy at the same time (which is how i tried to describe it at first), but emotional. My favorite part is when the old man is sitting in the house, finally overlooking Paradise Falls, and he opens his wife's adventure journal to the page 'adventures i will have'. he expected the pages to be blank since she never got to paradise falls, but instead there are pictures of their life together. I cried, because it was so sweet. She had such dreams throughout her life, but i know she would have traded even mere thoughts of them for the life she ended up living.

it was beautiful.

do you ever get scared? of big things.

of life.

i am scared.

i dont know where im going, but it feels like its nowhere. im not doing well in school and i cant make myself do better. im so tired of my job, and i feel like i make nearly nothing at all. the hardest thing in the world for me right now is enduring school (i should be doing it right now). a close second is trusting God in these things. im so afraid of misintrepreting him and making a mistake, though i know it will be alright in the end. Shane Claibourne was right; God has a way of ruining plans (of course in order to rebuild them into something better). its just the strangest feeling when he does. kind of shocking, really.

still, i am afraid. i want to be like peter and walk out into the unknown with faith. i will probably sink too, but at least i will have tried. people always look down on peter a little, saying that he was dumb and made a lot of mistakes. ive heard lots of people say that about him, but he's like a hero to me.

there are so many things i want to say that i cant. things i wish i could say here, but im not going to. theyre too personal. i want to share things that have happened to me, especially recently; pains i have and joys i experience, the things that i am deeply and truly afraid of and what i hope for and desire the most. i want to, but it would be too much for me. (i dont know if it would be too much for you). i feel strange, as if i dont share whats inside of me right now i will explode, but i might wither up into nothing if somebody knew. when i feel this way i usually write it down in this old notebook journal i kept over the summer (mostly at camp) that i keep in an old drawer. Just out of the way so that no one would really think to look in and read the pages, but close enough that someone might one of these days, and then it would be out of my hands, and i dont know how to feel about that.

because i want to say that it would be alright with me, but i dont know that it would be.

i am so sore.

yesterday when i woke up, one of my first thoughts was of laura. i missed her. so i called her up and talked to her for over an hour. She's coming home on wednesday for thanksgiving.

then i went on an adventure with Josh and we ate some wendy's, and we went and played football in the park for a couple of hours (which is why i am so sore). Afterwards we watched monsters vs aliens, which was a really cute movie. we cleaned up and went to church for the service and to watch a friend get baptized. After that we went and ate dinner with evie at dions, and talked about important things and things that are not so important and old memories that we will hold forever, and things that we are thankful for. it was good. Then josh and i went to his house for awhile and talked to his mom and evie went to her house to get a movie (eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) and some things, and we met at my house to watch it.

i liked it, a lot. more in retrospect, actually.

you should watch it.

(i would like to see it again, too).

After the movie i talked with josh and evie and my brother till late, and crawled into bed around 2am, trying to sleep while listening to clinton shuffle around in the next room. (thats going to take some getting used to. but it is definitely a good thing).

i love saturdays.

_____________________________________________________________________

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what can wash away my sins?

nothing but the blood of jesus.

what can make me whole again?

nothing but the blood of jesus.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_____________________________________________________________________

-

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

sunbeams and some beans

a story that a little girl wrote for Josh that made my day:

A Boyfriend Named Matthew

Once upon a time i had a boyfriend but he broke me so i got another boyfriend and i am in love with him so much.


i think its really cute.
Clinton and i used to write stories all the time when we were little. my mom saved them all and put them in a binder, and we decorated the cover together.
We tried to write a bestselling novel together 3 or 4 times growing up, but we gave up by middle school years. i was supposed to do the art and he was supposed to write it, but i suck at drawing so we switched because he was better at art. Then the story sucked because i couldn't come up with a good enough plot. I always did have trouble saying what i want to say (what i need to say). oh well :P

i went to Josh's sociology class last night. It is way, way (waywaywaywayway) cooler than mine. In my class, there are about 150 people. We all sit and stare at the teacher (who is from croatia and has a thick accent) and "listen" to him drone on and on about stuff we know we should pay attention to somehow can't. I wonder how many kids actually learn in that class. I think ive learned next to nothing compared to my other classes. If someones cell phone so much as beeps, that person gets a stern lecture and a, "Hey you! be quiet up there!" If people are quietly talking (even if theyre talking about the material), the teacher tells them to " go somewhere else if you are going to be disruptive."
In Josh's class, they watch movies and write papers about them addressing the sociological issues brought up (no papers in my class; we have 3 tests and a final. how boring). They are allowed to (and feel free to) discuss sociological issues that come up for them and that they observe. They don't even raise their hands, they just go for it. i miss cnm. I feel asleep when i go to my sociology class, and i feel alive when i go to josh's.

I got scared this morning because i got a phone call about my financial aid; apparently it wasn't active and i didn't have a loan (which means i couldn't sign up for classes or anything). Apparently i never filled out an Authorization to Pay form, which lets the people know that yes, i do want a loan. I went to the student services building after my sociology class (ugh), but i didn't really know where it was so i kind of got lost. I guess i went in the back, which led me to the basement, which led me down all these winding halls. i hate getting lost. i hate being a freshman. the people at the financial aid office were really nice though, and now everything is all worked out.

im going to bryans house tonight for a birfday party. i hope he gets a kick out of his presents. im going to frost his barbie cake with pink icing.

two of the best things josh has taught me:
1) things are only awkward if you let them be
2) never be afraid to take risks

clinton is coming home on saturday.
im excited :)

_____________________----------------____________________--------___________________-------__________-------______________------------------------___________________-------------________

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree,"
The tree said, "I wish I could be
A different kind of tree,"
The cat wished that it was a bee,
The turtle wished that it could fly
Really high into the sky,
Over rooftops and then dive
Deep into the sea.

warm.

just got back from a friends house. I love spending time there. Its very comfortable. Its such a home.
Have you ever been uncomfortable in someones house, like you are afraid of damaging something or being rude or doing something offensive? I hate that feeling. I feel that way sometimes at lauras house. Even though we've been friends for over 12 years, i feel uncomfortable spending time at her house because its big and expensive and we are not supposed to run or touch the walls or anything. I always tell her to come over to my house to hang out.
I love walking into a house and immediately feeling comfortable. I want my house to be like that- i want everyone who walks in the door to feel at home and not be afraid to get something from the fridge, put their feet on the chairs, be at home.

Ive been cracking down on making pocket pals, because they're going to be selling soon with a company called d1str1ct clothing (co-owned by Josh and our friend John). Their site launches on December 1st, and the shirts they'll be selling are supposed to come in sometime this week or next, which is very exciting. Pocket pals will be sold for around $20 ish dollars (we havent decided on a concrete price yet). Also the first 4 or 5 shirts sold will come with a free pocket pal. I'll put up the link to the site when it launches.
(so excited! :))

my cousin Bryan's birthday is tomorrow. He will be 26 years old. I got him a coloring book and some crayons and gummy bears. I made him a barbie cake too.

call me crazy, but i am in love with these dolls-
http://www.thisisblythe.com/


and now....
sleep.


____________________________________________________________________________________-
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-___-____---_-_-_-___-_-_-_-_-_-_-__-----_-_-----_-------------_-----_-_-_

Phony prophets stole the only light I knew,
And the darkness softly screams.
Holy visions disapear from my view,
But the angles come back and laugh in my dreams;
I wonder what it means

to have squeezed the universe into a ball

my parents are coming home today. its probably going to suck since they pretty much hate me now.
I knew they wouldn't like the fact that i got a tattoo, but i thought they would be ok with it like they were when i got my ears peirced or when i dyed my hair or when i started wearing makeup. i was wrong. lets just say its been a week since ive talked to my parents (namely mom). Or rather, its been a week since they've talked to me.
So right now, im kind of afraid. Because their silence is tolerable from a few states away, but when theyre here (when i havent seen them or talked to them in awhile) it hurts me. Especially when i get sick and they don't return my calls or emails and dont even seem to care.

Seems they don't like much about me anymore anyway. I feel like they judge me for the way i act and the things I do, even little things.


i like the weather lately. Its been perfect. Though i have to say the thing i miss most about summer/fall are leaves on the trees. I love the sound of them in the wind and the shadows they make on the ground and especially their color.

Josh's hair is curly, so it gets knots in it pretty easily, and they get ripped out and fall on the ground and it makes me think little bugs are crawling around everywhere.

last night i had a nightmare. I was looking over a city and suddenly war broke out. There were flaming arrows flying and burning to my left, and explosions were going off in the distance to my right. I went inside a building, which turned out to be a bar. The people inside had no idea what was going on, and they didn't listen to me when i tried to warn them. Then a flaming arrow hit the building and it turned everything red. We ran, and there was such hopelessness in the streets. People became mindless and stood in rows across from each other, shooting the opposite line with flaming arrows until they were all dead.
and then i woke up.

im baking my dad a cake because it was his birfday on sunday.

my tattoo is peeling. it itches and i keep slapping it because you're not supposed to scratch.

____________________________________________________________________________________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_____________________________________________________________________________________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
___________________________________________________________________________________

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,	90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—	95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

__

(my favorite poem of all time)

like lions do

i wasnt planning on getting a tattoo this week, but things fell into place.
Well, originally i would have liked to get the tattoo this week, but i didnt think it would happen. Evie and Josh convinced me not to go to Sachs becasue it is apparently unclean there and the artists aren't as good as they should be, and i called Star Tattoo but they told me that my tattoo idea wouldnt work and basically hung up on me.
Danielle suprised me on tuesday night by calling me to say she had talked to the receptionist at Addictive Ink (which is where Dave Martinez works), and they could get me in the next day or the next or over the weekend, which was really exciting because the next day had been my original appointment at Sachs (which i cancelled). So I picked her up the next day and we went in together. I had August Thompson do the tattoo. We went online and looked up pictures of birds, and we found one like this and marked all the ones i liked and that he said would work. Some of them got blown up and some of them got made smaller, and then 7 birds were transferred onto my wrist and august went to work.
it didn't hurt too bad. theres nothing really to be said to describe it, because the pain is very unique. I cant say that it didn't hurt, but the pain wasn't unbearable.

I didn't tell my parents before i got it, because 1) i didn't want to listen to all the stuff they would say about how im making a wrong desicion and ruining my life, and 2) i was kind of afraid they would "forbid" it, and i was afraid of what i would do after that. It would have led to massive conflict, though i can't say thats not happening now. I emailed them about it the day after i got it to let them know, because i knew they would be more angry if they found out themselves. my dad emailed me back but not my mom, which means that she is super pissed off and is not talking to me. (it happens). And dad said that 'they' are angry and hurt. Im hoping that they will get over it before they come back sometime this week, although that seems unlikely since i called my mom today and her phone was turned off as though she knew i would call. And so im getting a little scared, especially about what Josh said yesterday: maybe mom will come back to live with me while dad stays in oregon.
which i really hope doesnt happen.

is what i did rebellious?
i hope not. i dont think so. im an adult. i made an adult desicion.

On another note, josh is shooting a wedding tonight. Actually, he is shooting it right now. Its his first wedding, so he's nervous and im excited. Elliott is helping him. Theyre both wearing nice clothes. Not every day you see them boys wearing a tie!
Anyway, i know it will go beautifully. cant wait to see the pictures.
(and i absolutely love weddings. i thought about being a wedding planner one time, but then i would have to deal with people being like, this is my day, the best day i will ever have in my life, and i dont really like that kind of attitude. It could be an amazing day but i think the days after would be amazing, and then theres lots of best days of your life after that)

i went to buffalo exchange today to get winter clothes, and ended up getting a summer dress instead. Thus goes my life: i complain about being cold in the winter but i hate winter clothes. haha. oh well.

______________________________________________________________________________________
and doesnt laura look like aaron gillespie??
see, told you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sea sick in a rope,
all the jokes that i keep making and forgetting.
here's one that i know, but i lost the punch line two years ago:
"friend says to a foe, im just acting on an impulse like my brother"

i wish that i could just make up my mind.
what a brilliant lullaby that you and i can write;

i wish i could just make up my mind,
to tie this anchor tight, and tell the world good bye.
"goodbye."

Nov. 4

7 mo.

more in love.

pumpkins!

so....
my parents will be home in like, 20 minutes. ish.

i spent the day power cleaning the house.
rugs vacuumed- check.
all trash taken out- check
living room picked up-check
kitchen cleaned-check
dead fish taken out of fish tank-check
room cleaned-check
mail sorted- check
laundry done-check
floor swept- ... oh well. best 8 out of 9.

now its like no one lives here. but thats the way they like it, i guess. idk. maybe theres a difference between clean and looking like no one lives here. but in my opinion, houses that are a little messy are more comfortable.


all i want to do lately is carve pumpkins. i think about it all the time. i looked up pumpkin designs online and everything. and i have all the tools. maybe my parents will buy me a pumpkin to carve tonight. and tomorrow night. and the next night, and the next.
josh and i carved a pumpkin last week. it was his first ever. He said that he'd never carved one before, so it was a must. really, carving pumpkins in october is a part of growing up. its a part of life.
we did the hardest design in the little design book thing, a mummy.
i dont know if it was supposed to look scary or not. mainly i think he looks like hes in pain. so we carved 'oh noes' into the side by his face. i think its fitting.

Also we smashed him on the street when he began to rot a few days later. its a new tradition. and its really fun.

i made $15 in tips this week, which is double the amount i normally make. people were extra generous yesterday, i 'spose.
it was kind of cool- last night Becky and i were really busy so we didnt start closing until late, which kind of sucked because we were going to be there for an extra hour or so and we were tired. Then a bunch of people showed up off the clock- our co-workers. Kristine came to do inventory, rhea came along for fun, and helen was there. it was a subway reunion. Helen and rhea helped becky and me clean up while Kristine did inventory, and we were done in half the time we would've been, and it was really fun with everyone there. For once no one was gossiping or being mean to the others, and we were all working together. i wish it was like that all the time.

Chris- our new owner- is really cool. he lets us listen to whatever radio station we want, and he has a tattoo. He's really nice which makes us actually want to do a good job to make him pleased. well me at least. Also his son is working there now. i havent met him yet, but those that have say hes fun and (according to marissa) "cute". guess ill be the judge of that :P

ive been looking into getting my tattoo. i dont think ill get it at addictive ink like i'd wanted though, because it would cost me $100 and i am a starving college student. Im thinking about going to Sachs because they start at $60 and im sure what i want wont be super expensive there. plus danielle got her's there, and she says its legit.
havent told my parents yet. ill tell 'em the day i get it.

they should be here any minute. were going to go to Frontier when they do. My parents are addicted to that place, haha.

cant wait to carve a punkin!
i love halloween.
i love little kids dressing up.
and eating candy.

(also, i got Eisley's new ep, Fire Kite. its amazing. really.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


silver pink ponies flying over me
you may feel strange, well, you are an angel
stuck in tight pants, stuck at a high school dance
stuck doing people things not knowing you have wings
you are my serenade, you are my lemonade
you are my soul throw it all out the window
you are my training wheel, you are my chamomile
you are my friend come again some other day

i feel accomplished

its been a week since i posted. Feels like its been a month. Time is going by so fast, and when it passes it feels like its been much, much longer than its actually been. I feel like ive been in school for 4 months instead of 2, and i feel like josh and i have been together for years instead of just 6 months. And it seems like my parents have been gone for months and months, when its only been two. I dont know how ill get used to them coming back for good. I dont know if i can.

Mom and Dad are coming back today. They should get here a little after 4, and then their flight home is on saturday at 2:30. Im actually looking forward to them coming home. i have actually kinda missed them a little.
I feel good about them coming back for a few days, because i feel like i have nothing to hide from them. I used to keep to myself a lot because i didn't think they would understand me and would as a result condemn me for things. But now, i dont care if they judge me or critizise me or dissaprove of what i do or things i say. Now i feel open, like i want to share things about me with them so that they can know who i really am. I do still care what they think of me (naturally), i just care more about being myself, especially around them.
Also im excited that theyre coming because they said they have a suprise for me.
yay!

I asked my parents if they would take the money they would've spent on me at christmas and help me buy a car with it, and they said yes. Cant wait! Once i have a car, the next step will be to move out.
But of course i didn't tell them that. It would hurt them.

Ive been in a really good mood lately. Ive been thinking about beautiful things a lot lately, like God and my friends and the future, and that puts me in a good mood. I love surrounding myself with beautiful things too; colorful things and music. I was kind of mad earlier because i was reading Plato's Republic for my philosophy class, and in it Socrates says, "The lovers of sights and sounds like beautiful colors, shapes, and everything fashioned out of them, but their thought is unable to embrace and see the nature of the beautiful itself." I would definitely call myself a lover of sights and sounds. I love looking at beautiful things and hearing beautiful things; i certainly think that i can see and embrace the nature of beauty.
Now if he had said 'understand', that would be different. God is the most beautiful thing i can think of, and i definitely do not understand him or his beauty. but thats ok, because i know i cant understand it, and it makes it more beautiful that i cant.

I think that salvation is the most beautiful thing that a person can experience. Second would probably be marriage, and third would be having a baby. Actually, i guess i should say that love is the most beautiful thing that a person could experience. Gods love is above the rest and is the most beautiful, so salvation is the best thing a person can experience. Marriage is second most beautiful, because God made the people getting married exactly for each other, not to mention he gave them their love. Having a child is the third most beautiful because a baby is a miracle from God.
I guess things are just beautiful because God is everywhere in them.
I love how things are connected like that.

I had two tests yesterday; i think i did pretty well. Actually, i havent felt that good about tests in a long time. i love the feeling of success.
Today begins fall break. No school till monday. However, i have an online philosophy test tomorrow, astronomy and economics homework due before monday, and a sociology mid-term to study for. The only thing that makes this break a break is that i dont have to sit in class. More time for homework i guess. haha.

My amazing, wonderful aunt sent me a box stuffed with candy. love that woman.

and i really want to carve a pumpkin or two sometime.

Also, i am getting a tattoo soon. Just a lil one.
its going to be little silhouettes of birds like the one
in this picture, but not as many as this- just 7 or 8 or so, and more up near my wrist instead of by my elbow. im excited. it'll probably be sometime later this month or next month.
Also, later on i want to get Song of Solomon 6:3 on my back in hebrew: I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. That way i will always remember who my first true love is.
Eventually i want to get sparrows on my feet, and around one the reference Matthew 10:29- a reminder that God will always take care of me. Also, don't you think it would be a cool idea to get wedding rings tattoo-ed on? I love the idea of that.


i mowed the lawn barefoot yesterday. it made me feel like that guy in the bradley hathaway videos.
also i moved up a notch in Facebook tetris.
i feel accomplished.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
=====================================================================
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So seal the deal with your stamp of regeneration
grow me up into a new creation
taken from a tree and plucked from a vine,
if its my time to shine,
then shine your light on me so that everyone
hurting can see that there is hope,
hope in the seemingly endless valley full of rotten fruit
left behind from previous troops
that are now in your mountains
drinking directly from your fountains;
save me a spot, i will be there sooner than not,
im picking up the pace and im starting to trot

1/2 year

and many, many, many, many, many, many more.

skinny love

We throw away enough bread at subway to feed a lot of hungry people. Its been bothering me for awhile, more so last night when i threw away a trash bag so full that it was hard to close and hard to lift. Some of it is really inedible, but some loaves are still good, just a little hard or a little underbaked or overbaked.
i feel bad throwing away food thats still good when there are people who need it. And not even people like starving kids in Africa, but people close by who are truly hungry.
Maybe when the new guy takes over i'll talk to him about it. Maybe we can work something out.
Hopefully.

my parents called yesterday.

actually... i dont want to talk about it.


Yesterday was the worst day at work I'd ever had. I was already tired when i got there because it was my long day and i had to wake up early, and the bus driver blew off my stop and drove a mile or two out of my way that i had to walk 20 minutes before i had to be at work. So i ended up getting there a little late. When i got there, Kristine (my manager) told me that she thought it would be slow. She seemed to really want to talk, so for the first hour we cleaned and she told me about her life lately and how messed up things are (pretty messed up, gotta say), and she started to cry. (Basically, her husband and her are really growing apart. Anthony, one of the guys who used to work with us, really likes Kristine and she really likes him back. He says he loves her and that he wants to marry her, but he doesnt have a job and wouldnt be able to support her. Also, Kristine keeps reminding him that shes married, and shes being good about it. She hasnt had sex with him or anything because she cares about him and doesnt want to mess anything up. Kristine is 20 and she got married when she was 18 because she was pregnant. She loves her kid, Adelia, more than anything else in the world, and she's doing everything she can for her, but its hard because Kristines husband is immature and kind of a deadbeat. She goes to school every day and is doing a year long phlebotomy course in 12 weeks, also she works 6 days a week and tries to be home for her family. She tries harder than pretty much anyone i know. I look up to her a lot for it. Yesterday she was saying that money was tight. She got a phone call that the power was turned off at her house, and her husband didnt do anything to fix it. She had to call her parents for money, which she hates doing.) I dont think i really did a good job explaining. There is so much going on with her, i didnt know what to say. She is stressed out to the point where shes physically ill; she is constantly sick. right now she has bronchitis and has to use an inhaler, and shes still going to work and school 6 days a week. She throws up all the time from stress. Yesterday she threw up twice while we were working (once during the rush), one time she threw up blood. I think she has an ulcer. She is afraid that child services is going to take Adelia away, which is a definite possibility, especially after the shut off power incident. She cried almost the entire time we worked yesterday, even though we ended up being super busy and made 120 sandwiches in 3 hours. She cried while she was making sandwiches and ringing people up. The only thing i could think of to do was to work as hard as i could as fast as i could, so i helf off the rush while she cried on the phone in the back a couple times trying to figure out the power situation, and i did all the hard closing jobs. I dont think it was enough. i wish i could do more.
just...
pray.

please.
it will mean a lot to me, and i know it would mean a lot to her.

it was a hard night. i came home and took a shower and got into bed and cried and cried.
Im just glad im talking more with God now, because i could pray for her and i know things will be alright one way or another.


And the thought of another long day tomorrow.... ugh.
i need a mental health day, but i cant afford to take one. I need to go to my Astronomy class at 9:30 because they talk about a lot of important stuff that i need to be there to hear. Also I have to work tomorrow.
I think i will skip my economy class. The teacher never really talks about anything important anyway, plus i really dont want to stay at unm for 2 hours until it starts.
that should be nice.

now im already feeling better about it.

============================================================================
=============================================================================
============================================================================
============================================================================

Since I was made, I've been leaving.
I'd say I'd change, but I wouldn't believe it.
It's 'cause my legs, they don't forget.
When they find a way out, they'll always take it.







i listened to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrMmr1oMPGA&feature=related while i wrote this

i will do my best to meet you there, halfway or the whole way

I just got back from the store.
We were almost out of cereal, and that can't happen. So i bought Berry Colossal Crunch, not to be confused with Cap'N'Crunch.
(they are equally delicious. )

The new owner to our Subway takes over on October 4th. I'm excited to meet him. Everyone says he is pretty cool. Lately work has been pretty weird, what with Peggy (current owner) leaving soon. On one hand, she is buying all this new stuff for the store so that the new guy won't have to; things like scissors and oven trays and brooms, so now we actually have more nice things in the store than ever before. On the other hand, peggy doesn't care so much about this store since its changing hands soon, so she's leaving us to deal with a lot of problems ourselves. Like when the refridgerator broke, she didn't come check things out because she was "really busy," though you'd think that would be her #1 priority. The food was spoiling and she told us to serve it anyway, when really the store shouldn't have been open at all while that kind of thing is going on.
Also, now i have a new subway shirt to adversise for our new $5 footlong. Its purple and has a chicken on top of a buffalo on the front and it says "chick with a kick."
haha.

School is hard. Actually, im not doing well at all. After all the first tests, my grades have fallen. So now im working harder, and im grateful because (after a lot of drama) in my sociology class, the teacher is letting us drop our lowest test score if we do considerably better on the next one. Definitely an incentive.

Danielle is coming back from New York tonight. I have to go pick her up from the airport at 6:40. The first day she was gone was pretty crazy: i had gotten the keys to the house from danielle and i gave them to josh that morning because he was watching her house and cats. But sometime while he was at work, the keys fell off of his keychain and were lost. (And they still have not been found, and probably will not be found). Also he was really sick, so he texts me and asks for help getting into danielles house. So that night i got my dads huge ladder and loaded it up into the truck (not very easy to do), and while i backed out of the garage i accidently hit the side mirror on the side of the garage door. I didn't think it was a big deal because ive done it about a million times before, but then the garage door wouldnt close all the way. it would get to about a foot from the ground and stop. So i left it like that and went to danielles house.
Josh and i couldn't figure out the ladder, and i ended up messing it up while trying to open it. So by then i was kind of freaking out- it was 10 at night, i had just broken the garage door, just managed to mess up the ladder (my dad would be upset, of course), we couldn't get into danielles house because we couldnt figure out the ladder, and josh was really sick and had a fever. We ended up eventually getting the ladder up, climbed up to the second story, hopped in through danielles porch, got into the house through the window. It was an adventure. Then i gave josh some nyquil and went home to fix the garage door.
Turns out, i majorly messed up the garage door with one little tap of my mirror. I had to call bryan at 10:30 at night to come and fix it. Thank goodness for him! best cousin ever. He knew exactly what to do.
it was an eventful day.

but you know, i would rather things be eventful and hectic than boring.

and so life is good.




(go read The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


but god you mean more to me
than any three hole punched fake scripture could come from me
just know that i love you
but love's such a simile
for pearl gates of gold;
i will do my best to meet you there, half way
or the whole way
on a high way you know
where the ending will take place so beautifully,
so beautifully.