this is me

this is who i am-

i never have a whole bad day, things just hit me at the end of the night.

tonight was one of those nights.

i alternately love and hate my job. i love talking to people about their day, and i love when people tell me exactly how it went when i ask them. i love closing a particularly large sandwich; its satisfying to me. i hate people at my job who tell me i am going to get fired and that i am not doing a good enough job. sometimes i can't stand the drama in the workplace, and how people will get mad at you if you tell them you can't cover your shift. i dont like when the owner fires people that were my friends.

i love getting presents for people. i love seeing something (homemade or not) and thinking of a particular person the moment i see it, and getting it for that person, because they will really be able to appreciate it and love it. It makes me excited. When i find something for someone like that, i can't wait to give it to them. Sometimes i don't. i just do it.

i like when people are real and love me for who i am. i love my true friends. i like talking to them because i know that they won't judge me, especially since there is so much in my life to judge. those are the people that know me and love me anyway. they are the kind of people that remind me of that Bible verse that says that a man with no lasting friends has no one to pick him up when he falls down, but a man with lasting friends will have a helping hand when he's down.

i want to be that kind of friend too.

im thankful for josh. i like that i have a boyfriend who will let me have a bad night if i need to, or can't help but to. i like that i have someone like him who will not only let me know how to fix my problems, but will also help me through them. i like/dislike that he's become so much closer to my than my own family; he's become more family to me than my own parents. it makes me sad that things have become this way between me and them, but i guess if you can have the most amazing guy in the world in your life, you don't need much else.

we are like a puzzle.

i love to laugh.

i hate going to school.

i am sad that my parents and i have the relationship we do.

sometimes i wish that i would never have to come home sometimes.

i am buying things to decorate my future house/apartment with.

when i retire i want to own a shop that sells buttons and ribbons and strings and cloth, and nothing will be organized except by the categories mentioned in this sentence. people will get bags in the store and there will be a scale and they can put whatever they want into the bag and however much it weighs will determine the price it is.

i wish i didnt have to wait until i retire.

i love playful cats, and i love dogs that will lay their head on your hand when youre upset.

i love sleeping under lots and lots of blankets in the wintertime.

at night when i should be in bed, i really feel like sleeping and i really feel like staying up. and i never know which to go with, so i usually end up waiting until i cant possibly keep my eyes open any longer, and then it is pretty late but i always wake up pretty early.

and i think that if i didnt have as many problems as i do, i would close my eyes and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.

someday, that is what i am going to do.

i am ok with who i am.

and if you are arent... im ok with that too.

and that is me.

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The work-a-days were propping the bar quietly erasing the week
and I was in a corner booth thinking (pretending to read)
about the impossibility of one to love unconditionally
and the words that we drive into the ground:
their repetition starts to thin their meaning.
Then everything got frighteningly still as they entered and intersected the floor
and I tried to choke my stare at perfection that others would kill for.
But all of the parts are the same on every face -- few variables change.
The differences pale when compared to the similarities they share.
Finally there is clarity and there is purpose after all.
But every night ends the same as I'm collapsing once more by your side.
Finally there is clarity: this tiny life is making sense
and every drop numbs the both of us, but I alone am staggering.