the world forgetting, the world forgot.

i watched Up today. I had to; everyone said it was so good.
they were right.
it was an emotional movie, really. Not really sad and happy at the same time (which is how i tried to describe it at first), but emotional. My favorite part is when the old man is sitting in the house, finally overlooking Paradise Falls, and he opens his wife's adventure journal to the page 'adventures i will have'. he expected the pages to be blank since she never got to paradise falls, but instead there are pictures of their life together. I cried, because it was so sweet. She had such dreams throughout her life, but i know she would have traded even mere thoughts of them for the life she ended up living.

it was beautiful.

do you ever get scared? of big things.

of life.

i am scared.

i dont know where im going, but it feels like its nowhere. im not doing well in school and i cant make myself do better. im so tired of my job, and i feel like i make nearly nothing at all. the hardest thing in the world for me right now is enduring school (i should be doing it right now). a close second is trusting God in these things. im so afraid of misintrepreting him and making a mistake, though i know it will be alright in the end. Shane Claibourne was right; God has a way of ruining plans (of course in order to rebuild them into something better). its just the strangest feeling when he does. kind of shocking, really.

still, i am afraid. i want to be like peter and walk out into the unknown with faith. i will probably sink too, but at least i will have tried. people always look down on peter a little, saying that he was dumb and made a lot of mistakes. ive heard lots of people say that about him, but he's like a hero to me.

there are so many things i want to say that i cant. things i wish i could say here, but im not going to. theyre too personal. i want to share things that have happened to me, especially recently; pains i have and joys i experience, the things that i am deeply and truly afraid of and what i hope for and desire the most. i want to, but it would be too much for me. (i dont know if it would be too much for you). i feel strange, as if i dont share whats inside of me right now i will explode, but i might wither up into nothing if somebody knew. when i feel this way i usually write it down in this old notebook journal i kept over the summer (mostly at camp) that i keep in an old drawer. Just out of the way so that no one would really think to look in and read the pages, but close enough that someone might one of these days, and then it would be out of my hands, and i dont know how to feel about that.

because i want to say that it would be alright with me, but i dont know that it would be.

i am so sore.

yesterday when i woke up, one of my first thoughts was of laura. i missed her. so i called her up and talked to her for over an hour. She's coming home on wednesday for thanksgiving.

then i went on an adventure with Josh and we ate some wendy's, and we went and played football in the park for a couple of hours (which is why i am so sore). Afterwards we watched monsters vs aliens, which was a really cute movie. we cleaned up and went to church for the service and to watch a friend get baptized. After that we went and ate dinner with evie at dions, and talked about important things and things that are not so important and old memories that we will hold forever, and things that we are thankful for. it was good. Then josh and i went to his house for awhile and talked to his mom and evie went to her house to get a movie (eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) and some things, and we met at my house to watch it.

i liked it, a lot. more in retrospect, actually.

you should watch it.

(i would like to see it again, too).

After the movie i talked with josh and evie and my brother till late, and crawled into bed around 2am, trying to sleep while listening to clinton shuffle around in the next room. (thats going to take some getting used to. but it is definitely a good thing).

i love saturdays.

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what can wash away my sins?

nothing but the blood of jesus.

what can make me whole again?

nothing but the blood of jesus.

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How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.