pictures in an exhibition

today my business teacher said that in the near future, books will become obsolete because everyone will have Kindles or whatever the new version of the Kindle will be, and they'll just download books instead of going to libraries and bookstores.
i think thats crap.
people love material books too much to give them up. I do. i love turning pages and cracking the spines and smelling the pages. i love going into the deepest corners of a bookstore and finding just what i'm looking for and running my fingers down the pages.

I just picked a pair of glasses out of my family's collection. Im going to pretend to be J. A. Prufrock's therapist tomorrow for my presentation. It should be fun; i hope the glasses help play the part.
i had no idea they had so many glasses. im the only one in my family who doesn't need them, so i guess i dont think about it.

I'm the only one in my class who blogs, and everyone else thinks i'm weird. they don't understand why people blog. i dont think i do either. a way to tell people how you feel i guess. I just always feel satisfied after posting.
Only sometimes i cant explain how i feel.


thats how i feel today. i couldnt have told you in words.



i am angry and frustrated with my God.




Music:
what sarah said- death cab for cutie
baby, you wouldnt last a minute on the creek- chiodos

and i have known the eyes already

i was just thinking, ive been to a lot of weddings. At least 10. most of them were catholic weddings.
today i went to a wedding. I really didn't know the couple, but it was incredible anyway. Have you ever seen 27 Dresses? The girl asks the guy what his favorite part of a wedding is, and he says its the look on the groom's face when he sees the bride for the first time.
i would have to agree. He looked so happy i could have cried.
and then we got to throw sprinkles at them. weddings are cool cause you can throw stuff at people, and its normal.

had an honor society ceremony thing today too. i got inducted in and had to light a candle and tell what i want to do with my life. After all the kids lit their candles and said their stuff, i was thinking that i was the least ambitious person there. Everyone wants to be a doctor, journalist, lawyer, or chemical engineer, and i want to open a business.
but yknow i was thinking, i want to make stuff- i wanna be a potter, i wanna paint ceramics and sell sets of dishes i make, i want to design more hoodies and t-shirts, i want to make a million more pairs of button earrings and pocket pals and finger puppets and cards and buttons and thumb tacks and paper lanterns. and im going to have a little shop where i sell it all, and everything i do will be for the glory of God.
i am just as ambitious as any of those kids.


i love this stanza from T. S. Eliot's Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock:

For i have known them all already-
have known the mornings, evenings, afternoons
i have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
i know the voices dying with a dying fall
beneath the music of a farther room.
how then should i presume?

g'night.



Todays Music:
everyone looks so good from here- underoath
ponytail parades- emery
eulogy- five iron frenzy

ive always said i could see, so now im going blind

i just realized that i have cat hair all over me.
and that i don't really want to do this right now. i want to be lying at the foot of a gigantic tree, maybe at that park we went to in Oregon, with warm sunny weather and windy; to lay on my back looking up at the little paths of branches and leaves above, and think about God and how amazing He is and how lucky i am even though i complain way too much, to ask Him to show me what i'm looking for.
thats what i want, right at this moment.

guess what? Dad got picked to go to Oregon. I'm excited and slightly apprehensive. i'll be happy to be FREE, you have no idea how incredible this is to me. I'll have a lot of responsibilities though, but nothing i can't handle im sure.

I went to apply for jobs today. But only to two places, because mom was mad at me for no reason, but thats another story. I went to this one pet store and to edible arrangements, but neither of them were hiring. I was mad at myself when i left the pet store, because one of their special features is that they train pets, and they asked me what i do and i said i was a student. I should have mentioned my two years showing my dog in 4-H. showing= training. it would be hilarious if all that 4-H stuff was actually good for something :) i think a cool job would be intern at the Transitional Youth in Portland.
i want to sit in Pioneer Square.
by the way, if you know of any job openings or if anyone's hiring, please please tell me.

We are doing this major research project in my English class and i'm beginning to hate it. i have to give an oral presentation a week from today with visual aids, and my topic is 'meaningful relationships' using The Love Song of J. A. Prufrock by T. S. Eliot. i have no idea where to go from there. so yeah. not looking forward to looking stupid in front of my entire class.

i wanna learn how to skateboard.

made myself some sparkly nail polish yesterday, and i love it probably more than i should.

dad is outside grilling up some burgers; im feeling spring coming on :)



Todays Theme Music:
mewithoutyou- january 1979
cloud cult- pretty voice
mewithoutyou- nice and blue

show me what im looking for

(please, God)

Jessie the guinea pig thinks that fingers are food. (ouch)

i am pet sitting for the neighbors. pet sitting= money for a car. slash school.
actually, i really love taking care of animals. as long as they're not evil, i would hardly call pet-sitting a job.
ive been thinking of applying to that new pet store down the road, by albertsons. and also to edible arrangements. and pretty much anyplace that will hire. haha.

today i had an idea. my mom was talking to me in the car, saying that i need to be responsible etc now that I'm an adult. she was like, what are you going to do with your money?
and i was like... what money, i dont have any money.
and she said, you will. people will give you money when you graduate.
so im thinking that with the money, i will buy a car. I think it would be the most practical desicion, since i wont have to pay for room and board or food for college, only tuition and books. plus i really want a car :) and i will save money by not even driving it to school every day; by taking the bus.
thank you, God :)

Found out that my family from Arizona is coming to stay here in two weeks and quite literally invade our house. i don't like them much, at all. This time it will be: Aunt Renee and her boyfriend Steve, my cousin Jennifer, her boyfriend Scott, and their daughter Marisol, and my cousin Jake. They will be staying for an entire week. i Hope i can last that long.

time to write an essay. anybody ever read The Yellow Wallpaper?


Todays Theme Music:
show me what im looking for- carolina liar
anything chiodos

i've still got miles to go

i know the line between wants and needs.

you might think its ridiculous for me to say that i need a car, but i don't think it is. maybe sometimes, but not often. after last week, i am honestly worried about transportation. i am sensing that in the future, i will occasionally not have a way to get where i need to be. and this time my use of 'need' is absolutely legitimate.
i love driving dad's truck, but its not mine. ive seen the look on his face when i drive it; he doesn't like staying home almost as much as i don't.
i need something of my own. working on that.

we took some graduation pictures today. evie, elizabeth, marissa, robert, jared, and i. joshie took them, and they came out amazing. we drove out to roosevelt park and the boys lugged a couch out in the middle of it, and we posed on it for the pictures.
ive always wanted to go to roosevelt park. i used to occasionally drive by there while going to cnm. there are a hundred trees, gigantic trees with scars and jagged bark.
if i were homeless, i would spend much of my time in roosevelt park.




i am so glad that i did my physics homework early this week...maybe i should set a precedent.

looking back at all my blog titles this month, theres only one or two that don't relate to songs. awesome.



Todays Theme Music:
debate exposes doubt- death cab for cutie
i was a kaleidoscope- dcfc
headshot- mychildren mybride

no one said it would be easy

i think God is making fun of me.

A few weeks ago, my mom was pestering me about signing up for scholarships. I had just missed the deadline on one of them, and she got frustrated and said, "what, you dont like free money?"
and i got angry and said, "no, i dont like free money."
dad had signed Clinton and me up for the Intel scholarship a couple months ago. Clinton got $4,000 and i got nothing. I was happy for him, then i was kind of angry and like, why didn't i get anything? and then i randomly thought of the conversation i'd had with my mom and i started laughing. Yep, once again God is showing me that im an idiot.
bittersweet.

I should be writing an essay about the relationship between Jane and John in Gilman's short story The Yellow Wallpaper.
but im not.

Ian is staying here again, for a couple days. He and Clinton are fixing cars at church right now.
He cut his hair. Its like the haircut that Evie and i used to call 'chicken butt' haircuts. i didnt say anything though. dont worry.

Thought we were gonna go see my grandpa today, but i guess not. It's like my parents don't want me to see him. They are keeping so many secrets from me; its as if im not a member of the family, just some random person staying in their house.
if i was, i probably would have moved out already.

im just glad Clinton is home. now i have someone to talk to.



Todays Theme Music:
nobody sings anymore- manchester orchestra
everybody here is a cloud- cloud cult
no one said it would be easy- cloud cult

there are no words, but there's understanding

i wrote this story/poem/ whatever a few years ago.
read it again last night; i can remember exactly when i wrote this. we were in california.
anyway, here it is.

I bought a book of butterflies
with red and yellow transparent wings
they sat there so beautifully on the page
looking and nearly speaking, as if they owned the world.

Never did i think that this would change
i thought they all would stay the same
but i bought them from the corner-store
from the man with the glass and visor
and we all knew his reputation
All except for me.

From the moment at home they seemed to change
rustling and gentle flapping came from the book
when opened there was only empty pages
but the room was filled with butterflies.

Large butterflies and small ones
all with red and yellow transparent wings
they changed my home into a foreign land.

I didnt think that it could change
i thought it all to be the same
but then i looked, and i did see
a palace of flowers filled with rings
commanded by butterflies, my kings
and i was the queen of butterfly wings.


i used to write stuff like that all the time.

this week has been so stressful. things in the near future aren't looking much better either.
i finally sent my ipod in today. i miss it. i love listening to my music in the car, and now i cant for at least 10 days.

yesterday i took my earrings out since its been longer than 6 weeks since i got them peirced. Found out that one of them was peirced slanted, and i could not for the life of me get the earring back in. i tried for at least 40 minutes. my ear was bleeding like crazy and it hurt 20 times more than when i got it peirced. at one point i got lightheaded and saw spots and had to lay on the floor.
then mom came home and re-peirced my ear. i shook for two hours afterwards.

went to the hospital today. the doctor told me that my grandpa is dying. he was blunt, and i wanted to tell him to shut up cause he wasnt telling me anything i didnt already know.
he was on the 10th floor. remember that bed and breakfast that i worked at one day last summer? i could see it from the window.
i hate hospitals. i dont want to go back. all ive ever experienced there is helplessnes and hopelessness.


Todays Theme Music:
too bright to see, too loud to hear- underoath
pretty voice- cloud cult

anything rise against

hands in the air; love at our sides

I have this dream where i can fly.
I start out on the ground, but i know i can make it up in the air. I stretch up as far as i can go, and i have to concentrate. I have to know that i can do it. i have to believe that i can do it.
i throw my arms out and they gather the air as if i had wings. I can push myself up little by little; just enough so that the people down below cannot catch me to pull me back down.
and believe me, they try.
Usually i go up high enough so that they look like little dolls below, and then i find the tallest tree and sit in the highest, thinnest branches. I go from tree to tree. If i stop believing that i can fly, i start to fall. Kind of like Peter Pan i guess, only theres no magic pixie dust to make me float; its just me.
i have that dream every once in a while.


english class is the only one i care about anymore. you can hardly call reading stories and then talking, writing, and debating about them work. Some of my favorites have been: The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, A Rose for Emily, and The Yellow Wallpaper. A Rose for Emily was particularly gruesome and interesting.

God has been showing me so much and helping me grow lately. Its weird how He does that. Usually He does something to me that makes me very unhappy, and then teaches me how to overcome it.

ive been meaning to send my ipod in for repair for 3 days now. the 'on/off' button is broken. todays the day.

Clinton comes home on Friday for Spring Break.



Todays Theme Music:
all it takes for your dreams to come true- a skylit drive
everyone looks so good from here- underoath

my disease

I am in hate with this time on saturday nights, when i get home from being out and have the prospects of another week creeping up on me. Really the worst day of the week is sunday, because i always have so much physics homework that day.
I hate physics, so i put it off till the last minute.

Really, there's nothing more to look forward to in the week after the excitement of saturday evenings. The next think to look forward to is the next saturday. Thats how lame my life is right now.
What i really want in my life is spontenaiety. I want nothing to hold me back and nothing to stop me. i want to just get in the truck and drive somewhere, meet somebody someplace, do nothing and so many things all at once.

somebody be spontaneous with me. im not kidding.

im tired of what my life is being.



Todays Theme Music:
paper wings- rise against
too bright to see, too loud to hear- underoath
im not a theif, im a treasure hunter- a skylit drive
my disease- a skylit drive

a breath of fresh air

back from phoenix.

i actually had a really great time and im so glad i went. i never realize how great it is to get out of albuquerque till i actually do. too bad the trip didn't last longer... i could've been there for at least the whole week.
it was so warm. and green.

fruit was growing on trees. i got a slight sunburn, running and falling and climbing. at times, the air smelled like oranges.

We swam in an outdoor pool at night and didnt even get frostbite. i have a bruised/scraped nose because i accidentally swam into a wall, haha. i just didnt see it.

at the competitions, there was a lot of encouragement from other kids and other christians. it was refreshing. its difficult to find that kind of environment these days.

really, the only bad thing about the trip was its length. we had an 8 hour ride up there on friday, spent the whole day saturday, and another 8 hour drive back on sunday, so it felt like most of the time we were driving. This also led to minor fights among the kids since we were in such close quarters most of the time, like there was a mild fight between two girls i know, skin on skin.
not too much drama, but i found out that one of my friends who went up thinks i like him, when i just see him as a friend. So now i have to figure out how to subtly and tactfully show him im just a friend, and try not to hurt him since i think he's a pretty cool guy.

overall it was a pretty good trip, though.
and i had good grades on my school stuff when i came back, so thats a plus.

i wanna climb that orange tree again. that was heaven.



Todays Theme Music:
headshot, faithless, on wings of integrity- mychildren mybride

ive been completely addicted to:
tiger mountain peasant song- fleet foxes
take your medicine- cloud cult

good God, can you still get us home?

Too bright to see, too loud to hear, by underoath.
some friends of mine made this video, and i think its absolutely amazing.
towards the end, the pictures that flash are of homeless people we met in oregon. One of the pictures is of this one day when we met two young men who were far from Christ. We talked to them for at least an hour about God, and the younger one wanted absolutely nothing to do with it, but near the end of the conversation you could tell that the older guy was really thinking hard. Before we left, we prayed with both of them, and thats what the picture is of.
It was such a powerful moment.

(i wonder where they are now..)

different names for the same thing

i wish i had more time to do this at night.
i always have more to say then.

i actually slept well last night, for the first time in a while. I dreamt that i was swimming and could breathe underwater.

This morning my grandpa, the one with cancer, called; he needed a ride to his doctor's appointment. So my parents both went with him, and i got to drive myself around for the day. I thought it would be more peaceful and relaxing, because most of the time its that way when my parents aren't around, but actually it was really really stressful.
fun though. i've always felt pretty independent, and it felt good to actually be independent for once.
except for the fact that i was driving my parents' car.
that'll be fixed... someday.

im leaving on friday, 10am. going to phoenix with the awana group, b/c they needed one more person or else they couldnt compete. i wanted to go, anyway. or at least i did, im kinda confused about that now.

been confused about a lot of stuff lately


Todays Theme Music:
crayon angels- fleet foxes
marching bands of manhattan- death cab for cutie
tiger mountain peasant song- fleet foxes

i smell like a dead raccoon

we had flour wars today.

josh picked me up (i really need a car) and we met everyone at taco bell.

we went to target to buy pantyhose, which was pretty funny since guys know nothing about pantyhose, and then we went up to the petroglyphs and poured flour in the pantyhose and hit each other with them.

it was so amazing. i wish i'd gotten pictures.

only now i smell really bad, which is a combination of sitting in a car with a lot of sweaty people, flour and dirt, and spilling meat juice stuff all over myself.

cant wait till next time