always.

my parents have been home for 3 days now. they leave tomorrow.
i survived.

that sounds really dramatic, but its what i thought when i was talking about it to a friend today. I have gotten so used to my parents being gone. it wasnt even hard. one day they were here, the next day they werent, and life went on.
Things are very different with them gone, but somehow it seems like nothing's changed. Now, things just feel right.

They make me feel guilty for a lot of things.
at first, they seemed happy to be home and happy to be here, like they wanted to spend time with me and help me out and stuff.
parent stuff.
after the first full day they started telling me what im doing wrong. which, apparently, is pretty much everything. I either water the plants too much or im watering them too little, why are the counters not wiped (and have i even been wiping them at all?), the floors are dusty, the carpets not vacuumed, you killed my fish! (felt pretty badly about that one), the lawn is mowed all wrong, this confetti is scratching up the floors. I had to laugh about that last one- one day i popped the screen out of my brothers window, climbed onto the roof, and threw confetti on josh while he was walking to the door (and scared him). It was fun. a happy moment. i knew they would get mad about the confetti, but i liked seeing it in the doorway as a reminder. (what they dont know is that i threw it from the roof... heh heh hehhhh).
Another thing i thought was funny was that josh got some mail delivered to our house. One day we were hungry, so he got online and ordered a pizza to my house. Since he used his credit card, it was in his name, and one day when i was not paying attention to the mail some coupons were sent to my house with, "CURRENT RESIDENT: JOSHUA MORSE" written on it. I stuck them in the mail basket and my parents saw it when they were sorting the mail and freaked out.
it was hilarious.
there are so many things they would freak out about if they knew. i washed towels and sheets in the same load, i climbed all over the roof, i stayed out past midnight... more and more. lots of things they would like me to tell them that i wont. but ive thought about the things ive done, some more than others, and i don't regret anything i did.
i just dont.

anyway, they are leaving tomorrow and i guess i am glad. (i guess?). honestly, i dont know how i feel anymore. i think i would rather them be gone more than i would rather them stay. but i still want them to stay, if even a little bit. I mean, i dont mind being by myself, but i get lonely. Actually, i take that back. I never really feel alone.
except for today, i guess.
Today, i feel alone. its a lot of things. i really felt like talking and i felt like having company, but bryan couldn't come over and josh was really sick and danielle wouldnt answer my texts, and ive been realizing that i havent been reading my Bible or talking to God like i used to. I drove to a park and i looked up at the stars and i tried, i prayed for a lot of things, mostly that i could be close together with God again and that i would stop not doing my homework and that josh would be well again soon. But i dont know, i feel like God didnt want to listen to me because i hadn't been talking to him for awhile. And i dont know how he can keep on loving me, though i am glad he does.
it must be so hard.

i came home and the lights were on and food was on the table but no one was here, and it reminded me of a time last semester when my grandpa was dying.
It was the day Rachel and I went and drew with chalk at the library. i hadnt seen my parents all day cause i had school and they were at my grandparents house, and they didnt know where i was and for once they didnt seem to care. I wanted to feel good about that, but i didnt. We had small group that night, and i came home a lot later than usual. i was afraid they would be angry, but when i pulled in i noticed their car wasnt in the garage, and when i walked in the house all the lights were on and the tv was on upstairs and there was a cup on the table filled with juice that no one was there to drink, and i got really scared that my grandpa had died, so i called them and they had just run to the store for a few minutes. i remember. i hung up and sat on the floor against our cabinets and cried and cried and cried.
it was so lonely.
so today when i got home i stood looking at the food on the table, i just stood looking at it. and then they called and said they'd taken Kristin to the ER cause she felt sick (don't worry, she'll be fine).
Its just so empty. sometimes when you expect people to be there and theyre not, its unexpectedly lonely. unexpectedly empty. i always said i would be fine when people weren't here, but i dont think anything can prepare you for it.
and i usually just talk to God, but He feels far away and i feel alone.



i should be reading plato right now, but tonight i think i will read my Bible.



אני לאהובי ואהובי לי

always.

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And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”