skinny love

We throw away enough bread at subway to feed a lot of hungry people. Its been bothering me for awhile, more so last night when i threw away a trash bag so full that it was hard to close and hard to lift. Some of it is really inedible, but some loaves are still good, just a little hard or a little underbaked or overbaked.
i feel bad throwing away food thats still good when there are people who need it. And not even people like starving kids in Africa, but people close by who are truly hungry.
Maybe when the new guy takes over i'll talk to him about it. Maybe we can work something out.
Hopefully.

my parents called yesterday.

actually... i dont want to talk about it.


Yesterday was the worst day at work I'd ever had. I was already tired when i got there because it was my long day and i had to wake up early, and the bus driver blew off my stop and drove a mile or two out of my way that i had to walk 20 minutes before i had to be at work. So i ended up getting there a little late. When i got there, Kristine (my manager) told me that she thought it would be slow. She seemed to really want to talk, so for the first hour we cleaned and she told me about her life lately and how messed up things are (pretty messed up, gotta say), and she started to cry. (Basically, her husband and her are really growing apart. Anthony, one of the guys who used to work with us, really likes Kristine and she really likes him back. He says he loves her and that he wants to marry her, but he doesnt have a job and wouldnt be able to support her. Also, Kristine keeps reminding him that shes married, and shes being good about it. She hasnt had sex with him or anything because she cares about him and doesnt want to mess anything up. Kristine is 20 and she got married when she was 18 because she was pregnant. She loves her kid, Adelia, more than anything else in the world, and she's doing everything she can for her, but its hard because Kristines husband is immature and kind of a deadbeat. She goes to school every day and is doing a year long phlebotomy course in 12 weeks, also she works 6 days a week and tries to be home for her family. She tries harder than pretty much anyone i know. I look up to her a lot for it. Yesterday she was saying that money was tight. She got a phone call that the power was turned off at her house, and her husband didnt do anything to fix it. She had to call her parents for money, which she hates doing.) I dont think i really did a good job explaining. There is so much going on with her, i didnt know what to say. She is stressed out to the point where shes physically ill; she is constantly sick. right now she has bronchitis and has to use an inhaler, and shes still going to work and school 6 days a week. She throws up all the time from stress. Yesterday she threw up twice while we were working (once during the rush), one time she threw up blood. I think she has an ulcer. She is afraid that child services is going to take Adelia away, which is a definite possibility, especially after the shut off power incident. She cried almost the entire time we worked yesterday, even though we ended up being super busy and made 120 sandwiches in 3 hours. She cried while she was making sandwiches and ringing people up. The only thing i could think of to do was to work as hard as i could as fast as i could, so i helf off the rush while she cried on the phone in the back a couple times trying to figure out the power situation, and i did all the hard closing jobs. I dont think it was enough. i wish i could do more.
just...
pray.

please.
it will mean a lot to me, and i know it would mean a lot to her.

it was a hard night. i came home and took a shower and got into bed and cried and cried.
Im just glad im talking more with God now, because i could pray for her and i know things will be alright one way or another.


And the thought of another long day tomorrow.... ugh.
i need a mental health day, but i cant afford to take one. I need to go to my Astronomy class at 9:30 because they talk about a lot of important stuff that i need to be there to hear. Also I have to work tomorrow.
I think i will skip my economy class. The teacher never really talks about anything important anyway, plus i really dont want to stay at unm for 2 hours until it starts.
that should be nice.

now im already feeling better about it.

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Since I was made, I've been leaving.
I'd say I'd change, but I wouldn't believe it.
It's 'cause my legs, they don't forget.
When they find a way out, they'll always take it.







i listened to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrMmr1oMPGA&feature=related while i wrote this

i will do my best to meet you there, halfway or the whole way

I just got back from the store.
We were almost out of cereal, and that can't happen. So i bought Berry Colossal Crunch, not to be confused with Cap'N'Crunch.
(they are equally delicious. )

The new owner to our Subway takes over on October 4th. I'm excited to meet him. Everyone says he is pretty cool. Lately work has been pretty weird, what with Peggy (current owner) leaving soon. On one hand, she is buying all this new stuff for the store so that the new guy won't have to; things like scissors and oven trays and brooms, so now we actually have more nice things in the store than ever before. On the other hand, peggy doesn't care so much about this store since its changing hands soon, so she's leaving us to deal with a lot of problems ourselves. Like when the refridgerator broke, she didn't come check things out because she was "really busy," though you'd think that would be her #1 priority. The food was spoiling and she told us to serve it anyway, when really the store shouldn't have been open at all while that kind of thing is going on.
Also, now i have a new subway shirt to adversise for our new $5 footlong. Its purple and has a chicken on top of a buffalo on the front and it says "chick with a kick."
haha.

School is hard. Actually, im not doing well at all. After all the first tests, my grades have fallen. So now im working harder, and im grateful because (after a lot of drama) in my sociology class, the teacher is letting us drop our lowest test score if we do considerably better on the next one. Definitely an incentive.

Danielle is coming back from New York tonight. I have to go pick her up from the airport at 6:40. The first day she was gone was pretty crazy: i had gotten the keys to the house from danielle and i gave them to josh that morning because he was watching her house and cats. But sometime while he was at work, the keys fell off of his keychain and were lost. (And they still have not been found, and probably will not be found). Also he was really sick, so he texts me and asks for help getting into danielles house. So that night i got my dads huge ladder and loaded it up into the truck (not very easy to do), and while i backed out of the garage i accidently hit the side mirror on the side of the garage door. I didn't think it was a big deal because ive done it about a million times before, but then the garage door wouldnt close all the way. it would get to about a foot from the ground and stop. So i left it like that and went to danielles house.
Josh and i couldn't figure out the ladder, and i ended up messing it up while trying to open it. So by then i was kind of freaking out- it was 10 at night, i had just broken the garage door, just managed to mess up the ladder (my dad would be upset, of course), we couldn't get into danielles house because we couldnt figure out the ladder, and josh was really sick and had a fever. We ended up eventually getting the ladder up, climbed up to the second story, hopped in through danielles porch, got into the house through the window. It was an adventure. Then i gave josh some nyquil and went home to fix the garage door.
Turns out, i majorly messed up the garage door with one little tap of my mirror. I had to call bryan at 10:30 at night to come and fix it. Thank goodness for him! best cousin ever. He knew exactly what to do.
it was an eventful day.

but you know, i would rather things be eventful and hectic than boring.

and so life is good.




(go read The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.)

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but god you mean more to me
than any three hole punched fake scripture could come from me
just know that i love you
but love's such a simile
for pearl gates of gold;
i will do my best to meet you there, half way
or the whole way
on a high way you know
where the ending will take place so beautifully,
so beautifully.

right away, great captain

I love living virtually alone. I love cleaning when i want to, cooking when i want to, doing whatever when i want to. I love the quiet so that i can study. I love not having people yelling my name from downstairs every few minutes.
I have this block of cheese that i take bites out of. bite of cheese, bite of cracker. its delicious. I live off cheese and crackers and cereal and subway and frozen food from the freezer and cucumbers.
Today Kristins mom came and dropped off a whole bunch of food. My parents had gotten us a lot of food before they left, and now we have even more, even toaster strudels!
yummeh.

Lately ive been wishing i had more time for projects. Every time i see someone wearing a shirt with a little pocket on the front, i want to make a pocket pal to stick in it. Maybe i will get a shirt like that and put a pocket pal in it. I want to make posters and ceramics and 1000 paper cranes.

I am at danielles house. We went up to UNM and ate and got gelato and sat outside at the gelato place on central and watched the cars go by and talked about God.
then we came home and i dyed her hair.
tomorrow i have to pick her up and driver her to the airport early in the morning.
it should be an adventure.


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Messes of men in farmer poverty;
Not much for monks, but we pretend to be;
Share a silent meal and a pot of chamomile.
Gypsies like us should be stamped in solidarity.
And I held you in my fond but distant memory,
While waiting for the Mother Hen to gather me,
Who regretfully wrote:

"You have a decent ear for notes,
But you can't yet appreciate harmony."

always.

my parents have been home for 3 days now. they leave tomorrow.
i survived.

that sounds really dramatic, but its what i thought when i was talking about it to a friend today. I have gotten so used to my parents being gone. it wasnt even hard. one day they were here, the next day they werent, and life went on.
Things are very different with them gone, but somehow it seems like nothing's changed. Now, things just feel right.

They make me feel guilty for a lot of things.
at first, they seemed happy to be home and happy to be here, like they wanted to spend time with me and help me out and stuff.
parent stuff.
after the first full day they started telling me what im doing wrong. which, apparently, is pretty much everything. I either water the plants too much or im watering them too little, why are the counters not wiped (and have i even been wiping them at all?), the floors are dusty, the carpets not vacuumed, you killed my fish! (felt pretty badly about that one), the lawn is mowed all wrong, this confetti is scratching up the floors. I had to laugh about that last one- one day i popped the screen out of my brothers window, climbed onto the roof, and threw confetti on josh while he was walking to the door (and scared him). It was fun. a happy moment. i knew they would get mad about the confetti, but i liked seeing it in the doorway as a reminder. (what they dont know is that i threw it from the roof... heh heh hehhhh).
Another thing i thought was funny was that josh got some mail delivered to our house. One day we were hungry, so he got online and ordered a pizza to my house. Since he used his credit card, it was in his name, and one day when i was not paying attention to the mail some coupons were sent to my house with, "CURRENT RESIDENT: JOSHUA MORSE" written on it. I stuck them in the mail basket and my parents saw it when they were sorting the mail and freaked out.
it was hilarious.
there are so many things they would freak out about if they knew. i washed towels and sheets in the same load, i climbed all over the roof, i stayed out past midnight... more and more. lots of things they would like me to tell them that i wont. but ive thought about the things ive done, some more than others, and i don't regret anything i did.
i just dont.

anyway, they are leaving tomorrow and i guess i am glad. (i guess?). honestly, i dont know how i feel anymore. i think i would rather them be gone more than i would rather them stay. but i still want them to stay, if even a little bit. I mean, i dont mind being by myself, but i get lonely. Actually, i take that back. I never really feel alone.
except for today, i guess.
Today, i feel alone. its a lot of things. i really felt like talking and i felt like having company, but bryan couldn't come over and josh was really sick and danielle wouldnt answer my texts, and ive been realizing that i havent been reading my Bible or talking to God like i used to. I drove to a park and i looked up at the stars and i tried, i prayed for a lot of things, mostly that i could be close together with God again and that i would stop not doing my homework and that josh would be well again soon. But i dont know, i feel like God didnt want to listen to me because i hadn't been talking to him for awhile. And i dont know how he can keep on loving me, though i am glad he does.
it must be so hard.

i came home and the lights were on and food was on the table but no one was here, and it reminded me of a time last semester when my grandpa was dying.
It was the day Rachel and I went and drew with chalk at the library. i hadnt seen my parents all day cause i had school and they were at my grandparents house, and they didnt know where i was and for once they didnt seem to care. I wanted to feel good about that, but i didnt. We had small group that night, and i came home a lot later than usual. i was afraid they would be angry, but when i pulled in i noticed their car wasnt in the garage, and when i walked in the house all the lights were on and the tv was on upstairs and there was a cup on the table filled with juice that no one was there to drink, and i got really scared that my grandpa had died, so i called them and they had just run to the store for a few minutes. i remember. i hung up and sat on the floor against our cabinets and cried and cried and cried.
it was so lonely.
so today when i got home i stood looking at the food on the table, i just stood looking at it. and then they called and said they'd taken Kristin to the ER cause she felt sick (don't worry, she'll be fine).
Its just so empty. sometimes when you expect people to be there and theyre not, its unexpectedly lonely. unexpectedly empty. i always said i would be fine when people weren't here, but i dont think anything can prepare you for it.
and i usually just talk to God, but He feels far away and i feel alone.



i should be reading plato right now, but tonight i think i will read my Bible.



אני לאהובי ואהובי לי

always.

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And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

let me see again

My parents are coming back on wednesday. i made a to-do list:

1) mow lawn
2) sweep/vacuum
3) clean my room
4) give the dog a bath
5) clean kitchen
6) clean out fridge
7) sort mail.

also, i have to clean out the my moms fishbowl, because we killed her fish. i told her today. i felt really bad, but she was ok (she really loved that fish). and then i looked in the bowl and realized it was still in there. all upside-down and dead. and a little moldy too.
gross.

i have a lot of tests this week. One down, two to go. Also, on friday i took an optional test at UNM. it was the CLA test, and what they do is they test freshman and then they give the same test to seniors and see how much theyve learned and improved at unm.
I had to write two essays and i had an hour to write them. Every test was different, so i was glad that i got to write essays since i enjoy that kind of thing. I got a t-shirt and some buy-one-get-one-free coupons for food on-campus, and also i got entered into a raffle for things like $20 starbucks giftcards and $2500 housing scholarships for next semester. i have a 1 in 5 chance of winning.

ive been wanting to do lots of healthy things lately, like drink water and do sit-ups and go for bike rides and eat spinach instead of lettuce and wheat bread instead of white at subway. And i mowed the lawn today, a good arm workout turns out.
maybe i will become one of those people that mows designs into the grass at baseball stadiums and fields.

Went to the state fair with Josh on saturday. I love the state fair. usually i go every year. I remember when i was little it was the most exciting part of the year, because we got to feed the animals and see the exhibits and my parents let us drink coke.
i love how everyone uses their talents and loves to bring something together and celebrate life and the state of New Mexico. I love smelling food and the fresh air and seeing people enjoying other peoples art and talents and skills, and seeing animals and how God's amazingness is reflected in peoples crops and produce. I love eating carmel apples.
It was a lovely day. The best time ive ever had at the fair.

Im at danielles house right now. she lost her job today.
Danielle has such faith and trust in God. i admire it so much. i want to be just like that. She trusts so much in God's sovereignty that she doesn't even doubt that he has a better plan for her by being upset about losing her job. Shes just like, well thats obviously not where God wanted me to be, and im excited to see where he's taking me next. She says its an answer to prayer and she knows that whatever she'll be doing next will be much better because it will be where God wants her to be, and thats all she wants.
i love danielle.
she is the most positive person i know. more people should be like that.


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Oh god I need it
I was wrong again
Take me to the river
And make me clean again
Oh my god
Make me clean again
And oh my god
Let me see again

wolves at night

1) school is going ok. my favorite class is probably astronomy, though its also my most difficult class. its really hard for me to grasp a lot of the concepts.
(also as a result of school i am realizing that im really ignorant and know pretty much nothing).
im excited because there is a full moon tomorrow. it will rise at sunset and set at sunrise. i love how methodical everything is. its so planned.
my astronomy teacher is funny. he has blow-up balls of the earth and the moon to use as models and is always referring to them as "expensive scientific equipment". also he has a little Gumby and tapes it to the earth for some examples.
my friend Colleen is in my astronomy class, so we always hang out afterward since our next classes dont start for another two hours or so. its nice, because i never get to see her anymore.

2) i really, really suck at doing homework. cant concentrate. cant get motivated.
(pray for me?)

3) my parents left for oregon last tuesday. its just been me and kristin for over a week. its been really, really (reallyreallyreally) nice. i thought it might be a little hard to adjust, and i might miss them, and stuff like that. but really, it wasnt hard to adjust at all. one day they left, and it feels so normal. (dont know what im gonna do when february comes around). people keep asking me if i miss them, and it feels like a trick question. because honestly, i dont. but when i say that it makes me sound like a bad person. so i always say, yeah, a little, because then its not so much of a lie, i guess.
anyway, ive been enjoying it.

4) i only work about two times a week now, and its weird because it seems like so much happens while im gone. Sunday i went in, looked at the schedule, and it said in large letters across anthony's section: ANTHONY- TERMINATED FOR THEFT. which was a little alarming. but it really wasnt that bad, i guess all he'd been doing was giving away free sandwiches to friends. the reason i say its not that bad is because pretty much everyone does that at subway, and i think its ridiculous of Peggy to fire him and look away when her 'favorites' do it. I liked anthony. he was probably my favorite person to work with.
Also, Peggy sold our store to some guy. It changes hands in october. The cool thing is, he's going to do a $6,000 remodel and keep all current employees. So... it'll be weird but hopefully it will be a good thing.

5) i broke josh's nose today. we were out with Luke and his friend John doing whatever and making videos with their new video cameras. we were in the parking lot of the mall talking and messing around, and josh and i were ninja-fighting, and my knee went up and his head came down and they made contact. It happened really fast. I heard a popping noise and the next thing i knew my arms were around him and he was leaning over so that the blood pouring from his nose would go on the pavement. We waited for it to stop bleeding, and then drove to my house and i gave him tylenol and ice to put on it and stuck his shirt in the washing machine because it had blood on it. I felt really, really bad. Its swollen, but he's fine now, so thats good.

6) today was Kristins birthday. (kristin is my roommate). She wants to be a marine biologist, so while she was at school i went out and got her a little fish tank and a bada fish, and i got 25 balloons from the dollar store and hung up a giant happy birthday sign.
i almost passed out blowing those balloons. and i guess they had chemicals on them, because my lips felt like they were on fire when i finished. but it was worth it. i just wanted to show her that i care, since she's moved away from her family and stuff. Just wanted to show her that the day was still very special.
i love birthdays.
7) ever heard of bon iver?
http://www.imeem.com/artists/bon_iver/music/a16FGey5/bon-iver-skinny-love/

and i have been listening to right away, great captain and manchester orchestra non-stop. i love andy hull.

8) and i love josh.
(and i love God the most.)

thank you, Lord.

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When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
"I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything"