im crossing my fingers and toes

I know its probably weird that im excited about having bought some of these tampons today:
but have you seen the ads for them? theyre so funny. people are afraid to talk about periods and blood diapers, but really when every girl has a period its not a big deal. its only a big deal if you let it be, and i never have.

Also i like that the packaging is black with bold pink, blue, and orange, instead of the generic baby blue or pink, or soft green. Just because having a period is supposed to be soft and girly doesnt mean we have to use lame products.

the first commercial i saw for these babies, i was like heeeeck yes.

i know im weird, but i dont care.

I want to have gi-had wars again sometime soon. We used to do that last year, where we'd get stockings and put flour in the feet and tie the ends off, and then play some weird capture the flag type game and hit each other with them super hard. everyone got all floury and occaisonally the stockings would burst open and spurt flour everywhere.

and then we would all go down to walgreens and get arizona tea. it was good times.

im getting a tan now because my teacher has been having class outside since the weather's been so nice. but since my flip flop tan is coming back, im wondering if the bird tattoos on my feet are such a good idea... instead i kinda want to get buttons being sewn on my back. I could pick all my favorite buttons, have someone draw em up in a random order, and have a needle and thread coming from one! i love the idea, and its so original. there were zero results for button tattoos on google images. good ones anyway.

also i want to get my tragus peirced. so many body modifications, so little money!

today i applied at target. i think my application looked pretty good. the only open position was floor-watcher-person. i dont remember the real name. basically you stand by the registers and help customers, ring people up, and get stuff from the back for employees and customers. im crossing my fingers and toes that i get it.

lately ive been feeling that im inadequate and pathetic, with no direction and no future. i am a real loser.

but jesus is for losers right?

im alright.

i got an etsy. http://www.etsy.com/shop/illeachoo

check it out, if you like.

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i had a rusty spade,but im not the fighting sort.

if i were samson, i'd have found that harlots' blade

and cut my own hair short!

in a market dimly lit,

i come casually to pay.

you see, my coins are counterfeit,

but you accept them anyway.

new soul

the happiest times of my life:

1) swimming at lauras old house in the 6th grade.

2) when bryan said i was his favorite cousin

3) the day we got Zia.

4) when Xanadu danced next to me at the M88 prom.

5) one night in the 4th grade after mom painted my room lavendar and i sat on my bed reading the Wind in the Willows.

6) the trampoline mosh pit at marissas birthday party

7) when i realized God wanted me to go to portland.

8) when underoath played too bright to see too loud to hear as an encore song.

9) the night josh told me he loved me, and danielle gave me my graduation present.

10) dinner right after graduation with my family, laura, and josh.

11) any time ive made pocket pals.

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seriously.

this could go on and on and on and on and on.

i need to find a way to condense this. or make another list, and another.

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When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died

"you have a decent ear for notes, but you can't yet appreciate harmony."

* a lot of people i know have been turning 21 recently. There are a lot of pictures of them with glasses of alcohol. im seeing a trend.

I decided i will pass on that one.

* today i realized that i am going to be 20 next. and im very excited to be in my 20's, but its bittersweet because the teenage years will be over. i enjoyed em from 17 up.

but it will be nice to be associated with an older age group, and taken more seriously at times.

* i want to get my tragus pierced. but i also want bird tattoos on my feet and red hair.

stuff costs money.

* put in my application at barnes and noble. hope i get hired. its kind of iffy since the lady who took my application later saw me lounging in a chair reading calvin and hobbes. not very professional i guess...

* hung out with Danielle today. we packed a bunch of stuff and joked around and talked about serious stuff. and God. its going to be weird not having her here this summer; i was planning on biking over there lots.

she said her heart was heavy, and mine is too. but our hearts arent heavy in the normal way i guess.

my heart is filled with her understanding and advice, and all the times weve had talking and laughing are jam-packed into the spaces as some of my favorite memories. then she's leaving, and thats the heaviest matter of all. the weight of good and bad is enough to put a hole in my chest.

there is no doubt God wanted her in my life. i cant wait till she gets back :)

* instead of talking about my ugly jealousy, insecurities, and petty fears, i will pray that God helps me through it.

* i want to go see the manchester orchestra in may.

* i am falling asleep.

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Phony prophets stole the only light I knew
And the darkness softly screams
Holy visions disapear from my view
But the angles come back and laugh in my dreams
I wonder what it means

you are my lucky star.

i am sick.

i hate being sick.

it sucks. plus i dont feel like doing anything, including studying for my exam tomorrow.

which i haven't studied at all for yet, by the way.

also i think i took too many night-time cold meds, because i fall asleep for a few minutes every once in awhile.

must. stay. awake.

must. study.

yesterday josh picked me up and took me to his house. It was good medicine.

we laughed about how his dad bought chevrolet floor mats for his GMC truck, and becky kissed my forehead to see if i had a fever. I drank NyQuil at 4:30 in the afternoon and we watched the nature channel until i fell asleep, and when i woke up 2 hours later and started to feel really sick, josh covered me in blankets and kissed my cheek and sat next to me and talked. He made me hot cocoa and put a box of tissues within reach, and told me im pretty even when im sick.

he is my lucky star.

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lemonade.

Ive decided I really like where I am in life, right now.

*I am out of high school, and can start working more toward things that actually matter to me, school-wise.

I finally know what I want out of life, and finally know what I want to do with my life. I know who I want to be, and I know how I want to look- and im pursuing those things.

I am finally comfortable enough with myself to freely make friends and do what I want. I get embarrassed less easily; things come easier now. I don't care as much about little things, and it's refreshing.

I have fewer friends, but they are all very close. Fewer friends means less drama, and less people to deal with my drama. People I trust.

Things with my parents are better- we know how to talk to each other now. I see more of their requests as optional, and they are coming to respect that (i think).

I have the best boyfriend ever, and I finally understand why God made me wait all those years to find him.

It's totally worth it.

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Take a leaf of paper and draw your mind,
Your bourbon brown that can burn my eyes,
I lost your presence underneath the bridge

Lock the door, let's talk it out,
Against the wall, hands on my mouth,
Could this be it, is it really over now?

if you say no, then no it will be.

just stick it at our skin pierced with colly strings

part this red sea, tell me to rise. put dirt and spit in my eyes.

My headphones are broken. When I listen to music with them, I can't hear singing, only instruments. And i can't hear anything if im on youtube.

So I am listening to GIANTS, because there is no singing, and i really really like it.

I had a really good weekend. Friday was stressful because I had two papers due and homework due and an observing project for Astronomy that I probably should have done.

but hey, 3 out of 4 aint bad.

After school, the mom of one of my friends from high school came by to visit my mom. It was cool because I got to hear about all of my old friends who I never get to talk to anymore. I realized that I haven't seen any of the kids I did school with in highschool in a whole year. Its weird, I used to see these people 5 days a week and now i havent seen them in a year.

We've been getting a lot of graduation cards in the mail, which makes me excited because a lot of my old friends are graduating and they look so nice in their graduation photos and I am going to see them all graduate on the 28th! cant wait.

i bought some bold teal nail polish. it makes me happy.

On saturday morning I shoveled rock for a friend for 3 hours. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I thought I could work as hard and as fast as everyone else, and i did, but now i can barely move.

and so i realized that i am very weak.

also i got a giant splinter and i cut it out of my hand with my pocket pal scissors.

dont worry, i washed 'em.

Laura came to visit on saturday! I hadn't seen her since Christmas. We did everything she wanted- microwaved peeps, visited Evie on her dinner break at the mall, went to Forever 21 and hobby lobby, colored easter eggs, and went to see The Book of Eli at the dollar theater.

It made me soooo happy.

now she's gone again, and won't be back until the 29th of May, because she is going to Japan for 3 weeks after school ends.

I had to work yesterday. I don't know why my boss kept the store open for easter, but it wasn't a very good decision. He actually lost money from it, because we had to throw away bread at the end of the day and not enough people came in to balance out the amount he had to pay us. About 20 people came in the entire time i was there (4.5 hours). It was very boring.

josh came and visited me and brought me chocolate covered strawberries, and then i called my boss and convinced him to let us close the store an hour early, and we went to josh's house and watched 500 days of summer.

we are in love with it.

we are in love with each other.

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It was the look on your face that told me you've always cared.
And i'll try to know youre safe and maybe that will make me sound.
And this i know dear, my heart smiles when you're near.

it's a golden day, and tomorrow's coming up.
i'll take the bright,bright branches of lovely moments,
And in the morning, i'll gather all the hope that's on my window,
and place it inside.