in my life

my parents are back.

for good.

it just hit me a few days ago. i was upset for awhile. i still am, a little. but its okay. things are better now, so far. mom doesn't get all upset when i want to go out and stay out late, as long as i don't wake anyone up when i get home. i spend more time with them too, because i know it makes them happy. i guess being apart made all of us learn a lot about each other. which is weird, because you'd think we'd have to be together for that. But now we are more committed to making each other happy, which is all we needed the whole time.

i guess i was just selfish before. we all were.

today is the first day i feel better about it. i still feel lost not having a car, and having to have a ride to school in the mornings, not being able to sit on the counters, strange music playing when i come home from school, josh not being around so much, not being able to walk naked in the hall to get a towel when i realize theres not one in the bathroom. but today is better, and tomorrow will be better and better and better.

today after school josh came over and 'argued' with my mom about tattoos. which was kind of entertaining. its funny- i have no idea what my parents impression of him is, and i really dont care. they'll get used to him, i think.

then i went to evies house and we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. every time i see it i love it more.

and we got to talk and burn incense and watch the smoke swirl around the room and think about what seemed like ages ago, in high school, sharing hotel rooms and stuff for awana events and hanging out every summer. we thought about how we've changed this last year, or maybe we didn't change and just did all the things we've been wanting to. i know i did.

im satisfied.

i love my life. i love my family, and i especially love my friends.

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And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer

than anyone would ever get

today

9:30am: wake up.

10:00am: drive to CNM with Josh to print out two papers that were due today. we find out that cnm is closed for presidents day. he is happy. i still have school. i resent him, just a little. in a loving way.

10:45am: i forgot my wallet with my id in it, so i can't take the bus home. josh and i pay a meter with change found in joshs truck.

11:00am: english class. papers get turned in, people sit, teacher teaches.

12:00am: i am outta there. i find josh and we split.

12:30pm: josh gets an application for jasons deli.

1:00pm: we shop for macaroni and cheese, spam, and rootbeer at albertsons. i want 50% off valentines day candy. josh says no because we can't afford it. i throw a tantrum in the store. (just kidding. not really. )

2:00pm: spam and macaroni and rootbeer consumed. josh eats nothing because its too salty. we watch A Walk To Remember while i eat.

2:30pm: josh leaves to turn in the jason's deli application. i finish watching A Walk To Remember and eat about a million almond hershey kisses.

3:15pm: josh comes back. i am crying at the movie. he cries a little too. the movie ends and we sit and talk for awhile.

4:00pm: josh says his stomach hurts a little.

4:15pm: i decide to get 50% off val-day candy at walgreens. josh comes with. i decide to get him keva juice instead, since i realize he hasn't eaten anything all day.

4:50pm: sitting in keva juice getting josh something.

5:00pm: clock in at work. kiss josh good-bye.

work work work work work

9:45pm: finally get off work. drive home to find josh laying in my bed. he has been throwing up, has a fever, and is shivering despite three blankets on top of him. i go downstairs to get another blanket.

10:15pm: i wake up on the floor, with josh sitting beside me. i passed out getting him a blanket. i am scared. i lay on the floor and cry. josh goes to throw up.

10:30pm: i decide to take a shower. i get josh in bed and put blankets on him and tell him to sleep.

shower shower shower shower shower shower

11:00pm: i go check on josh. he is awake. i tell him to sleep.

i have homework due in econ class tomorrow and a job interview at 11am.

i am not tired.

i open my laptop.

11:36pm: my stomach hurts a little.

in my teeth

so.

that was an amazing 6 months.

yeah, my parents are back. this time, for good.

(except they are leaving on wed. for a week to visit my grandpa. but after that, for good.)

yes, i am a little sad. but what did you expect? im used to doing what i want now, what i think is best for myself, with no one questioning it or arguing with me. now when i want to do something, i have to go through them. my parents.

so... it feels weird. do you consider 6 months a long time or a short time? i consider it both. it went by so fast; the time seemed very short. but so much happened that i feel like it was a long time, and so much is happened and ive changed a lot. (or maybe i was like this all along. i dont remember, somehow). in any case, if they had to come back at some point it was worth it.

of course there are things i won't tell them, because they would freak out.

like how i popped the screen out of clintons window and hung out on the roof a lot when it was warmer (and threw confetti on josh and danielle when they walked up to the door). or how i dyed my hair a lot in their bathroom (prohibited) and accidentally dyed some of their floor tiles pink and scraped it off with pumice stone, or how the truck was hit at danielles house and not smiths because i parked at the curb overnight when they told me not to (oops), or how the house was super messy every time they were gone, and how i stayed out past midnight lots of times, and how i skipped school when i didnt feel like going (dont worry, my grades didn't suffer). how the morses and the mckinneys became more like family to me.

how i cried when i realized they were coming home so soon.

but whatever. its not like i didnt miss them at all. i did, sometimes. and i dont know if it will last, but having them back is so far not bad.

also, im getting a car soon, so thats cool. actually, im really looking forward to that.

do you realize its almost valmumtimes day? don't be so down if you don't have a valentine, because youre just making it hard on yourself. to me, valentines day means pink and red and white and hearts and an excuse to eat candy. i love it. i always have.

what does valentines day mean to you?

ive been having a lot of nightmares lately. if i tell you what about, will that make them go away?

...nope, im too scared.

i think that my favorite band right now it The Manchester Orchestra. But Andy Hull's acoustic stuff is the best.

you should check this out --> http://www.myspace.com/d1str1ct . pocket pals are selling at d1str1ct.com! but right now they are really sad because they dont have homes. sniff sniff cry cry.

lately im kind of in love with the color pink. which is strange, since i always used to hate it.

and im excited, because eisleys new cd should be coming out soon.

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like dying young, idols got the best of me.
Well don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep
And the building collapse, we'll shop one for something

I'll stick it at our skin, pierced for something

ill stick it at our skin pierced by colly strings.

i was a kaleidoscope

ha.

wow.

life is insane. lately the things that have been happening to me are crazy.

yesterday the bus broke down in the snow, so i called josh to come pick me up.

then, i woke up this morning to police pounding on the door. it was like a nightmare, but i was still awake. incredibly scary, especially after reading Desperation by Stephen King.

so, once i realized that i was in fact awake and it was really happening, i went downstairs and woke up kristin, because she has a baseball bat and will use it on anyone trying to murder us. but the policeman turned out to be a pretty nice guy. apparently, someone thought my truck was stolen because since josh had driven me home yesterday, i forgot to go get my truck at the bus stop, and it was parked in front of someones house all night. So he was just asking questions about it and making sure it wasn't stolen.

then i went back to sleep for an hour.

and when i woke up, guess what i realized? I had a test this morning, and i had enough time to get to school if i drove to the bus stop- but wait, the truck was at the bus stop. so i hurried outside into the snow and ice and grabbed my bike, and rode my bike at breakneck speed down the icy hill toward the bus stop. it was scary.

then by the time i shoved my bike into the truck and moved the truck and walked (quickly) to the bus stop and rode the bus to school and walked to my class, i was 5 mintues late. but luckily they let me take it anyway, and i got an 85, which is not bad for 1 hour of studying, eh? ;)

also i found some dollars in my pocket and decided to get starbucks since i got out of class a little early and it was cold and i was stressed. and on the way over to the starbucks i found out that the free stuff guys were giving out candy.

they let me take as many blow pops as i wanted.

and anthropology class was actually interesting and not boring, and the bus pulled up right when i got there, and josh picked me up when i got home and we went to barnes and noble and read for a long long time.

and then we went to lukes house and i made the cutest pocket pal ever.

also ive been dating this guy for 10 months today.

so, things are really really great. even with this morning, and this crazy, insane week...

my life is amazing.

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I was a kaleidoscope,
the snow on my lenses distorting the image
of what was only one of you
and i didn't know which one
to address

as all your lips moved,
and this is when I forget to breathe,
and all the things I scripted,
they sound unfounded.
and it's the look that you're giving me
that tells me exactly what you are thinking:
"This ain't working anymore."

i confide in wolves at night

busy, busy day.

one of those in which you wake up early and can't go back to sleep because you just need to move.

I got up at 7 and cleaned until it was time to leave for the bus.

sometimes i kind of like riding the bus. i feel a little like Harriet the Spy every time (if youve ever read those books as a kid)(or an adult) because i always see a lot of the same people, and i take little mental notes of their habits and character. its amusing to see what people bring to read on the bus, or hear the conversations they have or the music they listen to.

no, im not creepy. i just remember things about people. on the bus, i am the quiet observant one.

Today my art history class was cancelled so I ate lunch with Josh at Frontier. I probably would have gone there even if I wasn't meeting him, or even if i wasnt eating. Its so warm and comfortable and relaxed. I feel like i can get things done there, as long as i sit and focus and don't lean back to daydream and watch other people's lunchtime life.

Also Evie called me and told me she met Shane Claibourne at the Jacksonville airport. It made me happy, just because he's a really great person and has done so many exciting things for God, and helped me get to know Him better. I want to meet Shane someday... which i suppose is inevitable because of heaven.

sometimes, being a christian makes me feel like sunlight inside.

I was going to write about how my lab got ruined and I didn't get the credit, and how it seemed like I screwed up about a million times at work, but now i don't feel like it. It seems unimportant, because right now i am happy and I don't want to ruin that by dwelling in the past. I like being happy.

Its such a weird statement to make. and so obvious. but lately josh has been asking why im so sad, and at work they are always telling me to smile. you know, i never even realized that i was unhappy. I just started noticing how at work, zach looks at me and tells me to smile, and gives me random hugs, and josh is afraid to say the "wrong things" because he doesn't want to upset me. I dont want to be like this. it isnt me.

right now, i am absorbed in my happiness. my good mood.

i never ever want this to end.

good night.

i love you.

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I could have sworn that I saw you knee bent on the bedside
Arms stretched like a kite that time will eventually grow.
I'm so sure of it
I've got a reason, too long for songs
That tells why your legs and arms are actually able.