if i stay in one place, i lose my mind

i hate staying home. especially at night.
it makes me feel so alone...

the family all in different rooms doing different things.
my parents always wonder why i prefer going out with friends at night rather than staying home with them, but they never want to do anything together anyway. except watching tv, which can get pretty boring sometimes.

i thought that since clinton was home we could go out and do things together like old times, but he's had this strange stomach sickness thing that has taken over and he doesn't go ANYWHERE at all. i dont understand it.
when he first came home, he would go places here and there, especially if Heidi was gonna be there, but now he absolutely refuses to go anywhere and its driving me insane. i hate seeing my brother like this like he's some weak old man, talking about his death and the pills he has to take.
not even his girlfriend can talk him out of it and he wont even leave the house for her.
im scared of this and what he's becoming.

But he still sits and plays runescape on his laptop, and video games when hes not doing that. My dad watches football on his brand new tv, mom takes over the living room television because she hates football, and what am i to do? how do i release whats inside of me?

...now you know why i like making things. it makes me feel good about myself.

but like other things it can be tiring after a while.
as Kimya Dawson sings,
"if i stay in one place,
i lose my mind"

so i wanna go to NM State next fall, see new things, make new friends, live somewhere else, come back for the holidays, hug my mom and dad, leave again, come back, etc. love it :)
mom thinks i wanna leave because of Ian, and i loathe her just a little for saying it.
turning a friendship into something too much, something too hard.
her saying that just shows that she doesn't know much about me at all.
my dad keeps saying that im a good kid and stuff like that, but its not true. im not a good student- apparently being so focused on the future makes me fail at the present. i have a problem with concentrating and procrastination. I cant make myself do anything that is school related; no new years resolution is going to change that.
ahhh! i need to get it together and i need to graduate!

on another note, i went to the mall with some friends today and had a needed girls outing. I wanted Clinton to go, but well i guess God wanted me to go with just the girls today.

my favorite hoodie (summit hoodie :P) is falling apart; ive had it for nearly four years.
I love hanging onto stuff like that because of the memories- my first (and best) summit, cold nights outside running around with friends, paint stains from Portland, a face on the back from when i was experimenting with cloth and my drawings.
but the other day i went to zip it up and the zipper broke clean off. i got a new one at the mall today, though mom had to twist my arm off first. (just think about how many people died of cold today (and right now) when i have a sweater that can keep me warm and yet i spend the $20 that they dont have to buy a new one)
but thinking about the memories i'll make in this sweater make it a little better...
and so does the fact that soon im going to donate my old clothes that are in good condition to a homeless shelter, or goodwill or someplace.
i may be alone right now, but the homeless are more alone than i am,
because many of them dont have jesus.
and we need to do something about this.
right?


im looking forward to the end of April, the 26th specifically, since im going to a concert at the sunshine with laura. Sky Eats Airplane, Emarosa, and The Devil Wears Prada!
and school will be ending.
doesnt get much better than that, kids.




Todays Theme Music:
fell in love with the game- blindside
the red- chevelle
just another marionette- emarosa