i can barely breathe

i cant believe school is starting so soon.
I'll miss summer. School is like a ball and chains locked onto my ankle. While its on, you take it with you wherever you go. Its always on your mind, no matter how much you'd like to forget. I'm the kind of person that always worries about my grades (especially this year since i want to keep my scholarship), so im thinking about it while im eating, while im showering, while im worshiping (though i care less then), while im hanging out. i even have dreams about my classes, people in them, failing, you name it. I dont enjoy school; having assignments to work on and homework to complete and tests to study for.
(also i am a little afraid, because last time this year when school started i got really depressed. There were a lot of reasons for it, and a lot of them were school related, but... i just dont want it to happen again. worst feeling ever, after disappointment)


i am beginning to dislike my job. there's way too much drama, but worse than that is the gossip. Everyone gossips about everyone else, whether or not they are supposedly "friends". so annoying.

today after work, i went to the library. its one of my favorite places. whenever i check out a book, i wonder who all exactly has read it and what they thought about it. I especially like when there are brackets or underlinings in the text, because i know that that particular part meant something to someone, and i like thinking about it like they were.
I got A Clockwork Orange today. the way its written is very different, but i think i can pick it up soon. I have a feeling its going to be one of those books with a door in it, a door you can't help opening, and once you do you have no choice but to stay until you've seen everything.

when i left the library, i didnt want to go home. so i lay on the grass and watched dogs play fetch in the dog park, and the clouds move across the sky, and the shadows from the tree i was under move around.
and i knew God loved me.
it was the happiest feeling ever.


i just watched this-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoUPd-qLdIg
thought it was really cute.



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shadow am i,
like a suspicion thats never confirmed but its never denied,
wolf am i!
no, "shadow" i think is better,
cause i'm not something, more like the absence of something-
so shadow am i!