i can barely breathe

i cant believe school is starting so soon.
I'll miss summer. School is like a ball and chains locked onto my ankle. While its on, you take it with you wherever you go. Its always on your mind, no matter how much you'd like to forget. I'm the kind of person that always worries about my grades (especially this year since i want to keep my scholarship), so im thinking about it while im eating, while im showering, while im worshiping (though i care less then), while im hanging out. i even have dreams about my classes, people in them, failing, you name it. I dont enjoy school; having assignments to work on and homework to complete and tests to study for.
(also i am a little afraid, because last time this year when school started i got really depressed. There were a lot of reasons for it, and a lot of them were school related, but... i just dont want it to happen again. worst feeling ever, after disappointment)


i am beginning to dislike my job. there's way too much drama, but worse than that is the gossip. Everyone gossips about everyone else, whether or not they are supposedly "friends". so annoying.

today after work, i went to the library. its one of my favorite places. whenever i check out a book, i wonder who all exactly has read it and what they thought about it. I especially like when there are brackets or underlinings in the text, because i know that that particular part meant something to someone, and i like thinking about it like they were.
I got A Clockwork Orange today. the way its written is very different, but i think i can pick it up soon. I have a feeling its going to be one of those books with a door in it, a door you can't help opening, and once you do you have no choice but to stay until you've seen everything.

when i left the library, i didnt want to go home. so i lay on the grass and watched dogs play fetch in the dog park, and the clouds move across the sky, and the shadows from the tree i was under move around.
and i knew God loved me.
it was the happiest feeling ever.


i just watched this-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoUPd-qLdIg
thought it was really cute.



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shadow am i,
like a suspicion thats never confirmed but its never denied,
wolf am i!
no, "shadow" i think is better,
cause i'm not something, more like the absence of something-
so shadow am i!

mattresses underwater

i got two fish yesterday. i just felt like it, for some reason.
i like going to the pet store. every little animal is so seemingly safe in their 7'' by 5'' habitat, hamsters spinning on their wheels and finches building nests and turtles chewing carrots. I wonder what they're thinking; how much they understand. Some of them will soon be going off to a new home. Some of them will die within a few weeks. Maybe they'll have good owners, maybe their owners will neglect them. Maybe they'll experience love.
There was a gigantic fish tank of goldfish. it was the biggest tank in the store, with the most fish in it. Some of them were spotted and some bright bright gold, some only a shade of yellow or creamy white. I looked at them for two or three minutes, i looked at every single one and watched what they were doing. There was one little one, it didn't have much of a tail but it was a quick swimmer. And then i saw another one, the smallest one in the tank, and all the other fish were beating against it. it was getting pushed around. So i called the lady over and pointed those two out. She got her little fish net and dipped it in and all of the fish swam away because they didn't want to go with me. They were afraid. The lady scooped out my fish one by one. it only took her a minute; she'd been working there for three years and had lots of experience.
I held them on my lap in a little plastic bag all the way home, and when we got there i poured them into my plastic fishbowl.
I named them Peaches and Cinnamon. Peaches has a white belly and Cinnamon has a yellow belly, but other than that theyre both bright gold. They're never too far apart. Its a big fishbowl for two little goldfish, but theyre always touching or close to it. i wonder if they would ever get tired of each other.
They're afraid of me. They always hide in the rocks when i come near.
Also they like to annoy me by blowing bubbles at the surface of the water when im on my bed reading.
but i love them.

Clinton is sick. When i was little, i had this stomach sickness (i dont remember what it was called) and i felt sick to my stomach all the time. i ate hardly anything, so i was really skinny. I was looking at some old pictures recently and noticed that i looked even anorexic at that time. My grandpa used to always tell me to eat, that i was too skinny, but i never wanted to because i always felt sick. It was that way for a year or two before i got better.
Clinton is sick kind of like that. He eats, but he's always sick to his stomach. I remember that. it never goes away. Even on good days, or days you feel good, you still feel bad. There's still something wrong, and you can feel it.
Clinton is at the doctor right now, wonder what it is?

Went to the library yesterday. I had finished "a million little peices" and the diary of anne frank and i needed more. Gotta read everything i can before school starts.
Looked through the cd racks and found Narrow Stairs, my favorite death cab for cutie cd. It was exciting.

maybe i will write my own book. It will be about subway drama, and once published everyone will snatch it off the shelves and there will be a million holds on it at the library.


=========================================================================================
The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I can't help you.

Why?

There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces.

a billion baby galaxies with wide open spaces

Hi.


i bought Hell or High water today. Its the first cd ive bought in a very long time.
cant wait till eisleys new album comes out. it wont be long now.


on monday i went to my cousin jennie's wedding. it was a low-budget wedding, her second. It was at the courthouse. it lasted all of 10 minutes.
but it was still beautiful.
i love weddings, the fact that two people are so sure of their love for each other that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other (that they need to). I love to hear people say that they've found the person God made for them. its beautiful.
my mom and i were the only people from our side of the family that showed up for the wedding. i think that since it was jennies second wedding, people didn't think it was important. but really, its just as important as her first wedding. its obvious that they love each other very much. i was glad i got to be there to see it.

yesterday i got back from unm orientation. it lasted two days. i had to be there on tuesday at 8 am. we stood around all groggy-eyed and awkward until sign-in. i wasnt looking forward to it. i just wanted it to be over.
we got our dorm keys and went to a lecture and split into groups according to major. my leader reminded me of danielle gawronski. she was really cool. we sat in circles and played name-games. it was like kindergarten.
the entire first day was really boring. we walked around campus and picked out classes to sign up for the next day and sat in lectures about things like 'how to survive college', 'why financial aid is important', unm rules, date rape (they actually had a skit for this one), drugs and alcohol (lame skit for this one too), etc etc etc. the only lecture i really liked was one on diversity. i had started to fall asleep during the other lectures, but then this lady named Bird was speaking about how unm is a diverse campus, and how everyone has predjudices and judgements of each other but that we should get past them and come together as a community. I thought everything she said was really cool, that we shouldnt judge people based on their looks, job, status, who they hang out with, where they're from, etc. she walked up and down the lecture hall in between rows of 200 students, keeping us all interested and aware and occaisonally calling out, "hey you! you there, are you texting? put that phone away!" (thought that was funny).
then we went outside and split into groups. each group got a sheet of paper with something on it, something like 'african american', 'jock', or 'women'. our category was 'men', and everyone had to write down negative things associated with that category, for example that men are insensitive and wont ask for directions. the negative things filled the paper, word after hurtful word, and then we hung them all up and silently went in a circle, armed with markers, and crossed out things on every sheet of paper that werent true. there was mark after mark through things like 'black people eat a lot of chicken', 'women are too emotional', 'people from the middle east are terrorists', 'obese people are lazy', 'jocks are stupid'. some people were emotional. some people were indifferent. but in any case, i think everyone came away with an open mind. it was a good exercise because it made us realize that our judgements are stupid and sometimes dont even have a cause. i like to think it brought us closer to each other, and through that i think we could get closer to God, which i was thankful for.

at night we went to a dance. when we left our dorm i told my roomates that i was tired and wouldnt stay long. it had been raining for 4 hours and was raining still, and everyone was hurrying but i was in no hurry. it was like music, walking through the dark with rain falling. i was wearing flip flops and almost fell to my death a couple times (it was slippery), so i took off my shoes and walked like that. everyone was looking at me weird, and my roomates thought it was gross.
i didnt care :)
when we got there this guy was handing out glowsticks and we all got some and went inside and there were colored lights and strobes and loud music and i laughed to myself when we pushed to the middle and danced to beyonce, single ladies. It was actually more fun than i thought it would be. so i ended up staying the whole time.

the next day was so stressful. we went to sign up for classes and i found out that my math and science credits had transferred, but not my english credits. So i had to wait until after lunch and meet with a lady in the english department to clear things up before i registered for english. and since my math credits went through, i had to sign up for calculus this semester even though i thought it wasnt required and i thought i was done with math. discouraging. anyway, it was 1:30 before i finally had a chance to walk over to the english department, and everyone was leaving. the lady there cleared everything up, but by then it was too late and all the classes were full. It was disappointing because i really wanted to take english this semester, but now i have to wait till next year. so i told the english lady, "guess ill have to sign up for another class now so that i have all my credits", and she was like, "no youre gonna need more than one," because, turns out, something had happened with my account that morning as i was registering and it cut me off at three classes. so i just thought, whatever, it wont be hard to find more classes, so i walked to a computer lab with printers and attempted to sign up for some (hopefully) easy classes, but they were all full or didnt work with my current schedule. i quit after about 45 minutes and went to get my stuff out of my dorm, but while i was gone construction workers had pretty much taken over the dorm i had been staying in. i could see the dorm, but they'd put a temporary chain-link fence around it and for the life of me i couldnt find a way in. so i spent another 20 minutes doing that and finally i just jumped over some wet pavements and walked through the construction zone to get my stuff.
then i was like, alright i cant do this on my own, so long story short i found my advisor and she fixed my unm account and helped me sign up for classes. i ended up leaving at 4:30 ish. i was the last person to leave out of 200 students. yep. i love college.

while i was leaving, i saw a guy standing on the median between frontier and unm. Its not a very wide median, and cars were flying past, but he was standing there playing an accordion. what made me stop and look was his face. it was happy, content, full of joy. he swayed to his own music and cars were going by too close for comfort, but he seemed perfectly content, just him and his music.
i hope we can all be like that, even on stressful days like i was having.
so full of life and love.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
music-

first aid kit
as cities burn
cloud cult

everything's eventual

I am in between tetris games. its addicting. I play every time i get on facebook.

guess what.
(what)
last tuesday while i was at camp, my dad found out for sure that he will definitely be going to portland. He and mom leave sometime in august. its going to be weird, but in a good way. they asked my friend kristin to come and live with me while theyre gone. i dont really mind that she's going to be here, but i am annoyed that my parents wont even consider me staying alone. They say they just want someone here so i dont get lonely, but i am suspicious that they dont trust me to "live by their rules" etc etc. But at least someone will be here to water the plants if i forget and let the dog outside if im out late.
and now my parents are telling me how to do all these little things like turn on the sprinklers and change light bulbs, not that i didnt know how, but if i tell them that they get frustrated. i know theyre worried that i wont be able to fend for myself once im "on my own" (with kristin haha), but i wish they weren't. it makes me feel a lot younger.

Subway now has hot pastrami sandwiches. theyre taking place of the tuscan chicken sub, which was actually really popular. pastrami is really disgusting. it looks nasty and it smells nasty. actually, i dont really like lunch meat. (why do i work at subway? i dont know)
when i walked in today, kristine handed me a new shirt and told me to change. Its bright red with stars decorating letters on the front advertising lays chips, with ADD CHIPS AND A DRINK written across it, and on the back it says HOT PASTRAMI with more stars. I think its pretty funny. Also since i was out of town, i got last pick in the sizes, so i have to wear a large. The sleeves come down to my elbows and it looks like i lost 100+ lbs eating at subway. but maybe that was their plan.
who knows.

i went on a bike ride today. I had to, because last week was very physical climbing up and down the mountain and running around all day, and it felt weird just sitting around when i got home from work. i could feel the muscles in my legs pumping the pedals, and it made me feel powerful. (and it took longer for me to get tired)
basically, bike riding just makes me happy to be alive. More than happy really. When the wind hits my face and bends my eyelashes back and i rocket down the street with cars whizzing past, sometimes i actually laugh out loud because there is so much joy in my heart. I remember thinking today, "i am so full", and i remembered thinking the same thing last week at camp when we had an extended night of worship. i was sitting cross legged on the floor because i was too full to stand; there was so much love in my heart that it lifted my head up and thats how i sang to my savior. and sometimes i couldnt talk, but it was pure worship nonetheless. sometimes i just sat and thought; i thought about how much God loves me and how much I love Him back and how much He's given me, things like Josh and love and how im able to love God more than josh, and bike rides to the library with wind in my face the whole way there and rain on my skin the whole way back.
i am so full.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

listening to-
the radio, for once.
104.3.
puddle of mud.

we all change in our own pretty ways

i have a tan. you can see it really well when i take off my watch, the pale strip moderately contrasting against it. my skin is still slightly sunburned, but thats ok. its a reminder of a good week and many many hours spent outside enjoying God and life and the people i share them with.

i cant believe camp is over. its only been a week, but i feel like i was gone for much, much longer. it was a really, really amazing week, i dont really know what else to say about it.
Soon into the week i knew it would be the best camp ever. i slept really well on the first night (which never happens), and i brought my chalk so in the morning we drew all over the concrete floor of our cabin, kind of sealing the epic-ness of this being our last year.

For service this year, i signed up for prayer and filling up water balloons. The best services ever. i wasnt too excited about prayer. Actually, i didnt really want to do it, i'll admit. But after the first time, i was really excited about it and couldnt wait for the next night. We all gathered in the gazebo (about 8 of us). it overlooked the mountains coming up from the bottom half of the camp, which is in a deep valley, and it was as if God was saying to me,
"look at this, look what ive done for you to look at. This is me telling you that I love you; I'm doing this for you because i want you to be happy and praise me."
and i didnt know how anyone could not praise Him, after looking at it. i honestly didn't know.
We all sat with our eyes closed, the world dark to everything but Him; He was all we were seeing, and we prayed for everything you could possibly imagine, little things and big things, because God cares about everything and that is whats special about Him. And when we opened our eyes, everyone had a smile on their face because we knew that God is in control, and you can't not feel good when you know that.
Filling up water balloons was fun too. it was more of a last minute thing for me, but i knew it would be a good time when we all rolled up our jeans and took off our shoes and walked across the grassy game feild, grabbed hoses and spouts and stepped into a giant round tub that came up to our waists, and began filling them. There were balloons of every color, and i repeatedly took some out of my pocket, filled them, and handed them off to someone who was tieing until there was some sort of method about it. It took us about three hours and we filled up at least 400, and by the time it was over my skin was red and rain was falling and we smelled like sun and water and mud. Then we went back to our cabins and took off our jeans and hung them up to dry (they were wet from our own little water war) and huddled in our sleeping bags and ran blow dryers over our legs to get them warm again. i love moments like that, when you dont care about much in the world, and all you want in the world is something simple, when the littlest things can make you so stinking happy, laughing just because your legs are finally thawing out or just because you have someone to laugh with or laughing just because you really love to laugh. Its a God thing, another one. there are so many, you know.

i got to know mostly everyone at camp this year. i felt very close to everyone on my team, and people who werent on my team, and close to God through them because we all wanted to please Him.
on the last night our curfew was later so that we could hang out more with the kids we dont see too often. we sat around for the first hour or so looking at the stars and marvelling at the beauty of the clouds against the sun. And then someone had the idea of going down to the pond, at the exact opposite end of the camp (at least a mile away), so we all piled into the bed of someones truck (it was about midnight) and drove down. It was dark except for the light of the moon. we were all crammed into the truck, the flap down and some peoples legs hanging out, and as i hugged my knees and talked with the friends around me i couldnt help but feel like an illegal immigrant discreetly traveling across the border.
when we got to the pond it was so still-----. the air smelled absolutely wonderful, cool on my sunburned skin, and the crickets said hello to each other from every corner of the woods, faint over the rush of the waterfall. We sat on a bench by the pond and looked at pictures and random, pointless videos, talking and laughing, our voices and laughter reaching up into the night air bouncing off water and rocks and trees, true and sincere worship reaching up branching arms to our God.
He was listening.

(my finger hurts. it got slammed in a gate.)

so i hadnt been home for the 4th of july in 8 years. we all went to lauras house for an end-of-camp shebang, and lit sparklers and climbed on her roof to watch the sunset and fireworks and the moon peeking out behind the clouds. People up and down the street had a sort of fireworks war, or maybe a showdown, alternately shooting up amazing sparks and sparkles that had to be illegal, but very enjoyable.

i am eating some disgusting-looking melted raisinets that had to get left in the car when we went to the movies earlier. we saw wolverine. not quite as good as fight club, but still worth seeing. i love the dollar theater.

i am about to fall asleep.

good night.
i love you.
and i love God more than you.

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if you dont like this song, then i dont know what is wrong with you-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFlEfErAJxk&NR=1#
i have been listening to it non-stop.
literally.

also- phil wickham. look him up.