blacking out the friction

my dad left today for austin, texas. i didnt even know he was going anywhere till friday night.
does that mean that im a bad daughter, or that i dont care?
clinton knew two weeks ago. when i found out i tried talking about it, but they were silent as they have been lately. i know they think i havent been spending enough time with them and that im ignorant.
im confused and frustrated about my parents. seems like they've been constantly angry at me for the past three weeks. sometimes when they start to seem to warm up a little, i tell them i have some sort of plans with friends or work and their storm clouds roll over and its silence again. its like a cut that has potential to get better, but once it starts to heal i come along and rub mud in it and it goes right back to the beginning. i dont like it being there, but i also dont like what its going to take to make it heal. so as long as i can stand it being there, i rub mud into it over and over and over again and do my best not to care.
lots of times, i really dont care. i know i should, but i just dont.
other times, i care a whole lot, because though its their fault things are this way between us, its also my fault. i tried making it better, but it didnt work. ive been trying harder, wonder what's gonna happen now?

everything's been going great at work. i learn a lot about the people i work with every time i go in, and let me tell you they are interesting people. some of them are really weird, moody, loud, but i like all of them.
the only thing i dont like about it is all the gossip. everyone seems to get along, but man if youre alone with one of them you hear every story floating around about all the others. it is so hard not to get in there with them repeating the same stories. (wonder what they say about me?) despite all that they seem to be fairly loyal. the gossip is just annoying.

im loving life since school is over. everything is music and letters in the mail and work and making things and writing and expeditions to the library, and bike rides and ice cream runs and renting movies and reading and talking to friends and watching sunsets. Everything is God. more real than ever.

(cant stop listening to neutral milk hotel or mewithoutyou)

just finished reading a stephen king book this morning. It was a little slow at first, but after the first half it was everything i love in a book, where you can pick it up and forget about time and everything else. When i finished it this morning, i read for three hours straight and thought only one hour had gone by. i love that.

this thursday is the last thursday night small group ever. we're having a cereal party- everyone brings cereal and votes on the best one. im really excited, ive always wanted to do something like this. we always have the best ideas :)

tomorrow im gonna start a magazine vase.