the sky is calling; and the stars, they point to this

i heared at least 10 michael jackson songs today at work. we have our radio tuned to oldies, so they were all of little michael, with the cute face and the afro, "a-b-c, easy as 1-2-3".
(The best part about that station is the Beatles on the hour. They play a beatles song every hour, and this is the best because they are amazing and whenever you hear their songs its like a reminder that another hour has passed)

i cant stop thinking about that movie, fight club. josh and i watched it last night. i was pulled into it from the very beginning. its an amazing story. i wanted to watch it again, and again and again. i wont give anything away.
just go watch it.
(and after you do, what is something you want to do before you die?)


get excited. we the eliakim is going to be playing a show in september. http://www.myspace.com/wetheeliakim
i cant wait to see them play. actually, i'll probably be making a few t-shirts for them. im starting to get excited about it. went through my thread earlier. yep.

things are not so great, when it comes to my family. the relationship between me and my mom sucks. (im beginning to wonder if we can get along.)
It seems like its always my fault. It seems like im the one always doing something to "hurt" them, to "disrespect" them- i am the terrible child that doesn't care anymore, the immature teenager that has no respect and is unfeeling, the selfish, childish one. i know i was wrong sometimes. i know that. i am sorry. ive apologized. ive changed. i am more self-sufficient, but sometimes... maybe its made me worse. (no mom, i do not actually enjoy fighting with you).
and she asks me if things are going to be like this from now on.
and i say i do not know what she's talking about. (but im thinking maybe it will be)
and, you know, its not like im happy about it.
it hurts me when she says she thinks i am.
im just confused. and im looking for God in this, but where is He? i need to go to the eye doctor maybe, put that little thing over my eye and read the letters from 10 steps away, get a stronger prescription.
(the fact that You love me means so much. thank you, God)

there is a small chunk of skin missing from the middle finger of my left hand. i was slicing tomatoes, happened to look down, noticed i was dripping red stuff that was not tomato juice. (i love the color of blood. its so clean. very bright and beautiful. makes me understand a little more about Bible verses that talk about blood, Jesus' blood. its beautiful, actually and symbolically ) tomato slicers are dangerous. it was so sharp i didnt even feel it, one of those things. dont worry, we threw those tomatoes away.

im leaving tomorrow. packing up, see you later, maybe you'll get a postcard or a sticker or some pictures to look at.
im going to live in the woods for a week. gotta be there at 2:30, stay the week, leave on the 4th at 11. so planned.
(trapped)
(but im glad to get away)
now i know what i want to do before i die. hop in my car (hopefully ill have one soon) and drive. i'll plan some things; of course ill take clothes and money. only whats essential though.
stay gone for 5, 10 days, come back. it'll be refreshing. i feel like a hot sweaty person watching rain fall a mile away. pretty close, but still pretty far.

nonetheless, im always one step closer.

goodnight. i love you. see you in a week.


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stuck in my head-

the words best friend become redefined- chiodos
i can feel a hot one - manchester orchestra
darlin it aint easy- zee avi
and i see stars, because that cd is stuck in joshs The Chariot's cd player, and wont come out.

does the rain that sent each spring anew to fall on her not fall on you?

Earlier i was sitting on a chair opposite josh listening to him play guitar, and thinking.
Friday we painted his guitar case. josh said he did a bad job of washing the paint off his hands, but i didnt care. i like having paint and stuff on my hands, like a reminder of what i did earlier and the joy and satisfaction i got from it. I put my hand on his and the paint stood out, matching in places even though it shouldn't have (guess thats just the way God works sometimes), showing that we had used our talents for God even in something so seemingly insignificant, and he is still pleased.
Though it didnt really take much talent or skill, since we were just rubbing paint on with our hands and reaching in the paint bucket, staining the bottles whatever color was on our hands, grabbing whatever we saw first, squeezing and flicking and dropping and throwing it onto the case. The colors meshed together in complicated swirls and unlikely patterns that were apparently meant to be, and even though i didnt see Jesus's face in any pattern like anyone who's claimed to see it in their toast or potato chips, it felt priceless; something better than anything i could buy or sell, just because in creating it i saw God more than i could in any picture or depiction of Him.
(thank you, Jesus)

i was thinking that i love watching josh play guitar. There were two guitar picks, one was this color of blue that im in love with (i remember thinking of a button i have thats the same color), and the other is smaller, white and with a picture on it. i looked at the side of it. it was all worn down, a memory of the music played with it, the mistakes and revelations. and feeling. i think listening to the music is like a kind of window into how josh is feeling. there are times i really like what i hear.
mostly i like watching his left hand move up and down the neck of the guitar, sliding and pausing and pressing and tapping, in patterns and directions that i don't understand but am fascinated by. i like watching the right hand fingers gripping just enough of the blue pick, the one whose color i love, to make it easy to dart back and forth at just the right time to strike each string in patterns or succession, each producing a different sound.


went to second saturday this morning. We went to an organization called Love INC. Its kind of like Goodwill, where you donate your old stuff, but they also pick out families or individuals who could use the stuff and give it to them. So we loaded up lamps and love seats and end tables into trucks and drove them to the houses of people who needed them. It was pretty cool. Ive only been to two second saturdays (the first where we painted Joy Junction) and they've both been amazing. I can't believe i didn't start going earlier.

im having trouble keeping my eyes open. been awake for 19 hours now, with a lot of stuff in between, bowling and second saturday and church and sonic, and this medication im on makes me pretty tired an hour or so into taking it.
Yeah, i gotta take pills now because last week after white sands, my ear got seriously infected and was bleeding and everything gross, and when it started healing the skin grew over the back of the earring. so i had to go to the doctor on thursday and he cut it out with scissors, no shots or anything to numb it, but scissors and some brown goop to stop the bleeding.
yeah, apparently im allergic to nickel.

nonetheless, i had an amazing day today. (im in love with God).

goodnight. i love you.

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right now i LOVE-

lady blue- as cities burn
bullet to binary pt 2- mewithoutyou
(actually anything mewithoutyou. aaaaaaand i finally got brother, sister. happy about that)

i think i will get Hell or High Water (as cities burn) with the $13 i have in change from subway tips.

everything

I've been reading a lot lately. Stephen King, mostly.
I was in the middle of Hearts in Atlantis, but i took a break so that i could finish reading Through Painted Deserts. Actually, i just finished it 10 minutes ago.
i loved it. im sad its over.
Its about a trip that Don and his friend Paul took. Paul had a VW van, and they basically decided to live and drive in it from Texas to Oregon. They each took only what they could live on- beans and rice, two changes of clothes, $400, and other stuff, packed up and left.

Something i thought was cool was that at the start, Don and Paul had a conversation about what they wanted most, houses or boats or girls. A few weeks into the trip they had hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon. They were both so tired and strained and rugged from living on beans and rice and sleeping in the cold and hiking difficult switchbacks, and they had another conversation about what they wanted most. It was cereal. Raisin Bran. They were both so completely happy in the canyon, seeing God in everything they experienced, that the only thing more they could think of wanting would be a bowl of Raisin Bran.

After they got to oregon, paul and don got jobs and lived in the woods. Don says that if he ever found himself starting to get too much into life and possesions and trying to keep up with the jones, he would sell everything and go back to live in the woods. It made him appreciate everything, life and the little things in it. I feel that way sometimes; that i could just make lists and lists of little things about life that i love, and i feel good and appreciate life and God for showing me himself.
(i want to go live in the woods for awhile)

ive been to the grand canyon once, but i dont really remember it. after reading Through Painted Deserts, i want to go again and hike to the bottom of it. I dont know why; to see whats down there and thank God for that marvellous peice of land i guess. (also because its dangerous. i dont know why that appeals to me, but it does, haha.)

When Rachel lent me that book, she told me it would make me want to pack up and drive somewhere. She was right. I've felt like i could do that for a long time now.
Actually, last friday i kinda did that, but i was only gone for a day. Thursday night i was talking to josh, and we both felt kind of discouraged i guess. I couldnt really tell you how i felt. (ive been finiding lately just how limited words are) All i could think was that i wanted to go somewhere. I was thinking Las Cruces, but i didnt think josh would want to go that far, so i suggested Santa Fe, but josh was thinking like me and suggested White Sands instead. So at 10:30 we decided to go to white sands, and we left at 9:30 the next morning. (my parents werent too happy about this. but i loved it).
it was amazing. i'd forgotten how beautiful God created it. If i were any good at painting, i would try to paint it, but i dont think i could ever mix the colors right or re-create the hazy yet clear look of the mountains in the distace, making the air look hot and cool at the same time.
i love God.


The other day i went to Buffalo Exchange for the first time with laura. I love the idea of stores like that, to bring in something you dont want anymore and exchange it for something else. I can't believe anyone would throw away clothes anymore, because what you dont want someone else is sure to take. (think of all the buttons people must throw away!) I dont think i could buy anything new anymore, unless im looking for something specific. There are way too many used clothes still in good condition for us to go spend a lot on something new.
also, im starting to realize that laura is going away in the fall. I'm going to really miss her. She's the only person i've ever met that i could talk to about anything, right away. We've been friends for 12 years now. Theres not a week i dont talk to her, and i usually see her at least once a week, so its going to be weird not seeing her for months at a time.

awana camp is 20 days away. I'm really looking forward to it, actually. haven't felt this way about camp in a long time. Cant wait to see the milky way.

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musica-

sun giants- fleet foxes

mewithoutyou