i am a skeleton in a tiny, fragile skin

ive watched four movies today. and seven already this week.

today i saw Elf, and then Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and then after taking a break i saw Four Christmases and White Christmas. Guess i got my christmas movie fix today. i love watching christmas movies at christmas.

Saturday i made josh watch Pride and Prejudice with me, and sunday i saw The Bank Job with him. Yesterday i watched Night at the Museum 2 right before i went to work.

its kind of nice to rot your brain with unhealthy amounts of tv sometimes. especially after hours and hours of studying for finals, which rots your brain in a different way i suppose.

Last week was incredibly stressful. i thought something was wrong with me emotionally when i would suddenly start crying for no reason, but then when i was washing my hair in the shower and my hands came away from my head with clumps of hair tangled in my fingers i knew i was just stressed. Didnt get much sleep either, until it was all over. And then the next day i got a cold. but i kept going out and i kept going to work and now my voice is almost lost and i sound like a smoker.

i hate the feeling that i am completely fine inside my mind and it is just my body that is inadequate, that i would be fine if i didnt have to carry this flesh around with me. it makes me feel fragile, and i dont like feeling fragile.

but at least i am sound in my mind again.

and today i can breathe through my nose.

always a good thing.

also i would take this over a school day, any day.

break so far has been sleeping late (though 9 is the best i can do so far), watching movies, reading books, and making paper cranes. i mustve made 100 cranes today. it was nice.

josh is in denver with john and luke to have fun times before school starts and things get crazy again. i guess its a man trip, or whatever.

i am reading The Time Travelers Wife.

ill let you know what i think when its done.

tomorrow i get to hang out with laura, which is exciting since i havent seen her in forever. also i am getting sick of staying home (which i'd rather not do anyway), and i think im beginning to know what elizabeth bennet meant when she said that since jane was in london and charlotte was married and mr. wickam was away life was "rather gray."

but i like to hear joshs crazy stories about all that theyre doing in denver, because they make me feel much, much better.

...also i understand kimya dawson when she wrote "im a pretty impossible lady to be with."

you know?

one of danielles cats wasnt there when i went to feed them this evening. but apparently this happens semi-frequently (says danielle) so i shouldnt freak out.

also...

this sounds cliche, but

i miss my boyfriend.

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i took the poloroid down to my room

im pretty sure you have a new girlfriend

its not as if i dont like you

it just makes me sad whenever i see it.

cause i like to be gone most of the time,

and you like to be home most of the time.

if i stay in one place, i lose my mind

im a pretty impossible lady to be with.

hands in the air, and love at our sides

josh called me this morning to say he got me a christmas present. apparently it needs to be "assembled". now i have all these ideas in my head of what it might look like and what it could be.

i am insanely curious, to say the least.

i seriously think i have ADD. when im studying, my mind randomly falls asleep and dreams about other things, like whether or not that was a text i just got, or how many chocolates i have not eaten in my advent calendar and how many i can eat today, or christmas presents with some assembly required. 3-5 minutes after that i snap awake and finish reading whatever it is i was reading, but i can't remember what that was and then i don't remember what paragraph i was on, and what subject am i studying again anyway??

and i think thats the reason why i do not like school: it can't hold my attention long enough for me to absorb the material unless i spend huge amounts of time on it. And the prospect of spending huge amounts of time on it is daunting, so i put it off over and over until i am forced to do it eventually (usually... ok, almost always.. at the last minute) and am stuck doing work that requires more time than i have to spend on it, which makes me so stressed that i get stomachaches and headaches and cry randomly for no reason, and wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how much stuff there is to be done.

I have an Astronomy test tomorrow morning at 7:30 am, which means i need to catch the bus at 6:30 am. nuff said.

also tomorrow i have to take an online Philosophy exam, and re-take two philosophy exams. Thankfully after that philosophy and astronomy will be completely finished. those are the classes i have A's and B's in.

My Econ final is on thursday, but i have a C+ in that class and the final can only improve my grade since one exam grade gets dropped. So im not going to worry about that final since i will pass the class anyway. Studying didn't help for either of the first two exams, so why would it help for the final? im going to spend that time studying for my sociology final.

the soc final is on friday. i got an email from my professor today saying it is not cumulative, which is pretty much a gift from God. now there is hope that i can pass that class and thus keep my scholarship. i need to get a B on this test to pass, which will be a true challenge.

i really hope i can do it.

i cut my thumb open at work yesterday holding a knife. i wasn't even cutting anything, i was just turning it over and over in my hands and didn't realize how sharp it was. also i realized that we have a big first aid kit box in the back of the store, but the only thing in it are bandaids. haha.

at least thats what i needed.

i was looking at some pictures from summer. i really miss warmer weather.

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And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;	25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

in everywhere we meet, in everywhere we look

sometimes it doesn't take much to make me happy again.

this morning i was going through things im thankful for. (a habit that never left at thanksgiving, i guess).

and that led to thinking about some of the best memories ive had, and remembering the times they come from.

i like to think particularly about that time Danielle had the girls small group to spend the night over at her house. We made cookies and drank jones soda, and sang songs for an hour. i felt God so strongly...

Danielle went to bed because she had to be up early for work the next day, but the rest of the girls stayed up till 5 am taking pictures and singing and laughing, and we built a fort underneath the table and slept there. it was one of the happiest times of my life.

i like to think back to a couple years ago when it snowed a foot here, and everything was cancelled and i was sad that i had to stay home (which i hate doing), but at night i went on a walk with my dad and my brother, and the air was so still, the cold was so crisp and fresh. We made footprints through snow that no one had walked through yet. (i just love the idea of that, dont you? That no one had touched the exact spot in the snow you have touched; no one had felt the coolness of the bunch of snowflakes that you are feeling, and then that moment you had is locked in a mark in the snow, and anyone who sees it next will know that you were there first.) we ran and threw snowballs and laughed and laughed and laughed- it was the only sound you could hear. then we went home and all got warm. that was happy.

or that time at marissa's birthday party that there were 6 or 7 or 8 people on the trampoline, and we had a giant trampoline mosh pit, and we laughed and kicked and pulled, and i got a bruise on my cheek because luke sat on my face. that night i felt like i smiled for hours and hours and then went to bed smiling and smiled through my dreams and woke up smiling again.

i like to think about times like this.

this

this

and this.

sometimes...

it doesnt take so much to get me happy again.

thank you, God.

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in everywhere we look,

in everywhere we look,

in everywhere we look;

its all crazy, its all false,

its all a dream,

its alright everywhere we look.